mungkiman Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 In before the lock... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 6 minutes ago, mungkiman said: In before the lock... I've seen other women jokes not lock a thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungkiman Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Now, this photo made ME laugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?""I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it.""Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak."Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now.""Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 What is black and bad for your teeth?A bowling ball. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 What's the difference between a zippo and a hippo?....one's really heavy....The other is a little lighter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 What's the difference between an engineer and a mechanic?An engineer washes his hands after he uses the restroom, and the mechanic washes his hands before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the refund for myself.'She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'He never heard the shot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 year old hottie.."It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age""Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.With a smile on his lips the billionaire responds "85 years old" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?Because they're really good at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gottajam Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Those are some good ones Weber. For some reason the one about what's bad for your teeth struck me as particularly funny. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyOwn Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 (edited) Happy Thursday, well it was until this was cleaned up Edited December 22, 2016 by Steve_S political Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyOwn Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 This is funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CECAA850 Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 20 hours ago, mungkiman said: In before the lock... No lock but I'll clean it up a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungkiman Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 2 hours ago, CECAA850 said: No lock but I'll clean it up a bit. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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