Jokes?

[OO1]

a Woman:  goes up to her pharmacist   "I need to buy some arsenic." , but why Mam  Why do you need arsenic?" , the woman replies  "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." "WHAT?"   says the Pharmacist ,   "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!"   , the Pharmacist replies . "Why on earth would you want to do that?" , the Lady replies : "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!"   , The pharmacist replies  , "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

[OO1]

As Farmer  approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw his neighbor serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.  “What are you doing?”  he demanded. the Farmer  replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

[OO1]

A retired rancher decided 
to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.

The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

[OO1]

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

[OO1]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[OO1]

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

[Dave1290]

[OO1]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my Winchester  and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

[OO1]

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, we opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

[oldtimer]

It's not funny because it's true.

[OO1]

9 minutes ago, oldtimer said:

It's not funny because it's true.

ok here's another one

 

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

[EmilC]

 

[Edgar]

21 minutes ago, EmilC said:

Could’ve gone a lot worse.

 

How can a person be so utterly, completely oblivious, and survive to adulthood?

[Jeff Matthews]

 

[OO1]

a patient went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to the patient. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

[OO1]

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

[OO1]

A doctor told his patient, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss." The patient said, "Oh no, Doctor. What's the bad news?"

[OO1]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

[BigStewMan]

3 hours ago, RandyH 000 said:

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

True story.

I had a surgical procedure in which I had a local anesthesia and was fully awake. The doctor told me that I could bring in reading material if I wanted, so I brought in the sports page. I do remember reading that Carney Landsford of the Oakland A's went three for four in the previous night's baseball game -- for some reason, I kept reading that sentence over and over until I gave up trying to read. 

The doctor asked if it was okay for three medical students to observe the procedure. I said sure. While he doing the procedure, he's telling the students how many lab animals he killed in school by giving too much anesthesia.  I interrupted him and asked, "hey doc, how much did you give me?"  

[OO1]

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. “Sure. You can bring it back tomorrow.”