Jokes?

[sunburnwilly]

[sunburnwilly]

[EmilC]

 

[JJkizak]

46 minutes ago, EmilC said:

 

 

Insanity does exist everytwhere where humanity occupies space.

JJK

[Bosco-d-gama]

10 hours ago, sunburnwilly said:

Something similar to this needs to be emblazoned on every covid19 face mask.

[OO1]

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

[OO1]

My spouse  can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!”

[OO1]

My wife was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told her this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.”

[OO1]

The first thing I did when I heard our great granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. What did I do?”

[OO1]

On the way to meet my wife at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. I needn’t have worried. she saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with her. When she arrived, I checked my texts. There was only one, and it was from her: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.”

[OO1]

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very confusing. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. My name is Mike, I work for the county engineer’s office, and I’m the genius who designed this!” Surprisingly, he still gave me a tip.

[OO1]

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?” the first demands. “My dog told me.”

[OO1]

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

[OO1]

During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would you do if you came upon an injured man with a steering wheel embedded in his chest?” Nervous and unsure, I blurted out, “Drive him to the hospital?” For some reason, the rest of the room found this hilarious.

[OO1]

A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!” Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!” The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

[sunburnwilly]

[sunburnwilly]

Kyle E. Coyote

[OO1]

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!

[OO1]

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign. "It's the same thing," the lawyer stated, "I don't believe there is a difference between stop and slow down." "Allow me to prove it to you," the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton. After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, "Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?"

[OO1]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, "You're speeding! Didn't you see the speed limit sign?" The man replied, "Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn't see you."