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Marvel

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Piney Woods of the East Texas back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw
the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ' Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

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There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you *** hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. 

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. 

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. 

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. 
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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Irish Pubs

The first guy says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my girlfriend!"

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Jimmy just got a divorce.

He was still very angry about the whole thing... angry that the witch divorced him, angry that he had to pay her alimony, angry that she got the house, angry that she got half of everything that he'd worked so hard to build.

He needed a vacation.

So he went down to Florida.

One evening, he was walking along the beach after a storm, and he saw a brass lamp laying half buried in the sand. He picked it up, and as he was brushing away some sand from the side of it, a genie appeared.

The genie said, "You have freed me from my captivity, so I shall grant you three wishes. Choose wisely, though, for whatever I give to you, your ex-wife shall get twice as much."

Jimmy thought for a bit, then said, "You know what... screw a million... dude I want a BILLION dollars."

The genie said, "I can grant you that wish, but remember, your ex-wife will get 2 billion."

Jimmy said, "Yeah, yeah, whatever..."

So the wish was granted.

The genie said, "You have two wishes remaining. Choose wisely."

Jimmy thought a bit more, then said, "I want a ranch. Not some piddly little ranch, though... I want 150,000 acres, 10,000 head of cattle, 1000 horses, 5000 pigs, 5000 sheep; and I want a full staff to take care of it. On that ranch I want a 15 bedroom 30,000 square foot house with 2 friggin swimming pools. That oughta do for now, anything else I want, I can just buy, since I'm a billionaire and all."

The genie said, "I can grant you that wish, but your wife..."

Jimmy broke in, saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah... she gets twice that... Whatever."

The genie said, "You have but one wish remaining. Choose wisely."

Jimmy didn't have to think a bit before he said, "I wish for you to make an aluminum baseball bat, and beat me half to death with it."

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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline," he says: "Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," she replies: "My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" he asks.

"We use it for sex," she replies.

The researcher is a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge," he says: "But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

"I don't mind telling you at all," the woman says: "My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

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Pray for Leroy

A preacher said, "Anyone with 
'special needs' who wants to be 
prayed over, please come forward 
to the front by the altar." 
With that, Leroy got in line, and 
when it was his turn, the Preacher 
asked, "Leroy, what do you want 
me to pray about for you?" 
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need 
you to pray for help with my hearing." 
The preacher put one finger of one 
hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other 
hand on top of Leroy's head, and then 
prayed and prayed and prayed. He 
prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, 
and the whole congregation joined in 
with great enthusiasm. 
After a few minutes, the preacher 
removed his hands, stood back and asked, 
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 
'til next week."

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Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Where do taxi drivers come from?

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal. 


It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. 

"Mom , " said the boy “ what are all those women doing?" 

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. 

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? 
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." 

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?" 

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. 

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" 

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

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WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after 
a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible.....

No wait.....
Sorry.


I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that.

Never mind.

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

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