Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Ex WifeCletus decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks."Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting,shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."Tim gets this horrified look on his face.She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”"Ex-wife?" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"”I wasn't “ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 I don't drink alcohol.I drink distilled spirits.Therefore I am not an alcoholic.I am spiritual. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Lady: Do you drink?Man: YesLady: How much a day?Man: 3 six packsLady: How much per six packMan: about $10.00Lady: And how long have you been drinking?Man: 15 yearsLady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day whichputs your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?Man: CorrectLady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, thepast 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?Man: CorrectLady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have beenput in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?Man: Do you drink?Lady: NoMan: Where's your Ferrari 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 The sensuous wifeWith a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?""No," said her husband.She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?""Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation."Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?""No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............"Go look in the garage," . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivernuggets Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A Flat Minor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 What's so great about the Swiss?Well, their flag is a big plus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 A young inmate walks into the dining area, finds a seat near an old convict sitting alone.He sits at the table and notices the old codger sitting there with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken soup.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young con bravely asked the old one, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"The older guy slowly turns his head toward the young criminal and in his best jailhouse manner says, "Nah, go ahead."Eagerly, the young fella reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the soup back into the bowl.The old man quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZEUS121996 Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 On 9/1/2016 at 7:49 PM, Weber said: The sensuous wifeWith a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?""No," said her husband.She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?""Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation."Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?""No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............"Go look in the garage," . I had a $100 bill tattoo'd on my hammer. I like to see my money grow and my GF blow it Mark Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZEUS121996 Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 For the more timely jokes What do hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump kin What do hillbilly girls and bear cubs have in common? They both lick their paws Mark 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZEUS121996 Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 So the new kid gets thrown in with Bubba a large man. Bubba says "Do you want to be the husband or the wife?" The kid says "I guess I want to be the husband" Bubba replies with "Well come over here and suck your wife's d*ck" Mark Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Drunk again eh? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Cougar High 33 OU 23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Have money on that game? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Not me. Betting college is risky enough but I think especially risky on first games of the season. The joke to me was OU as number 3 in the first place. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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