Jokes?

[OO1]

During a visit to the mental asylum,  a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” the visiitor  said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?”

[OO1]

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weiner?"

[babadono]

14 minutes ago, TasDom said:

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Sad as in EWWWWWWW....

[billybob]

Figure you've sorted it but the OK

gesture originally was a devil sign.

OK...

[dtel]

A man went to buy a pig to raise, as he was talking with the grower the grower picked up a pig and put the tail in his mouth then told the man 15 pounds. The man said that's amazing how do you know, the grower told him i have done it so long it's easy. Amazed the guy says I have never seen anything like that before, the grower tells him my wife is better, she can tell you down to the ounce. 

The grower looks down and tells his son go inside and get you mother and the boy runs off to the house. He come back a minute later and says she can't come out right now, she's weighing the mailman. 

 

.

[billybob]

7 minutes ago, RandyH 000 said:

During a visit to the mental asylum,  a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” the visiitor  said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?”

Thanks for telling my joke better than me...

[OO1]

2 hours ago, billybob said:

Thanks for telling my joke better than me...

here 's another one

 

After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and asks to be measured from fingertip to fingertip. He gets 5 million dollars.

The second soldier stands upright and asks to be measured from head to toes. He gets 6 million dollars.

The third soldier asks to be measured from dick to balls.

“Are you sure?” the general asks, baffled.

The soldier nods and unzips his pants. The general simply shrugs and begins to measure his dick. Then, he stops.

“Soldier, where are your testicles?”

“At Vietnam, sir.”

(Vietnam  is 8800 miles way )

[Woofers and Tweeters]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.

[mungkiman]

5 hours ago, CECAA850 said:

 

The smallest of violins...

 

[OO1]

3 hours ago, billybob said:

Thanks for telling my joke better than me...

BOOBY --for the joke about Vietnam ,  the end dId not say that the distance from Vietnam to the USA is 8800 miles -

[OO1]

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if 
I could borrow his master key. “Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

[OO1]

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked. “Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.” Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

[OO1]

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com

[OO1]

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully 
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?” Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota

[OO1]

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear. Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York

[NADman]

4 hours ago, sputnik said:

Why don’t we just share some nice lawyer jokes?

There are nice lawyers? Where?

[OO1]

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.”

[oldtimer]

4 minutes ago, NADman said:

There are nice lawyers? Where?

I had a response, but then I agreed with you.

[OO1]

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

 

[OO1]

A woman was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.” The case was dismissed.