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"A panda walks into a pub and orders the daily special. He finishes his meal, walks towards the door, but before going out he turns around, pulls out a gun and shoots a nearby customer. The barman shouts at him, 'Hey! What the ****! You shoot one of my customers and walk out without even paying, christ!' The panda turns around and says 'Yeah? So what? I'm a panda, look it up.'

So the barman gets out his encylopedia and looks up panda bears. The definition reads: 'Pandas: a type of bear native to China. Distinctive because of its white and black colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.'"

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Hotel for women only

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

NOTE: The real moral of the story is to find a woman who doesn't like to climb stairs....icon_wink.gif

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Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. After he sits down, the bartender says:

"That's the strangest thing I've seen in a hell of a long time, pal!

The frog says: "No shit! I just woke up this morning with this thing on my a$$."

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Here is a strange email:

 

Warning about online buying.  Be careful on what you buy online.

If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $450 on a penis enlarger.

The bastard sent me a magnifying glass!!!

 

The only instruction said don't use in bright sunlight.

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On 7/9/2017 at 8:34 PM, derrickdj1 said:

Here is a strange email:

 

Warning about online buying.  Be careful on what you buy online.

If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $450 on a penis enlarger.

The bastard sent me a magnifying glass!!!

 

The only instruction said don't use in bright sunlight.

This is funny and can't believe I did not get more hits.  Maybe a lot of people responded to this email.

 

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I always thought this was a funny play on the forwards that went around for years asking for money:


Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 16:09:11 -0500

Subject: Please read & send 10 people, I don't send these that often



I know you all are very caring people:



I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me,

because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad,

but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but

she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her

that anymore.



The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body.



It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an

artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The

doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin'

no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we

need more money.



Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying

people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body.

Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and

it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if

you forward this e-mail.



Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic said if you forward this e-mail then

Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the

astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America

and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in

church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me

better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe

just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors

said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take

another prayer to the angels.



Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my

leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail,

that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't

care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you

don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes

you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in

hell. What kind of goddamned person are you that you can't take five

******* minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can

feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a

poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?



Please help me! This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard.



I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.



Thank You.

Billy 'Smiles' Evans,

the boy with just a head.

And a burlap sack for a body.

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An older woman wants to flirt with the young man pushing her grocery cart. 

 

While exiting the store, she yells out "I have an itchy p*ssy"

 

The young man says "ma'am you'll have to point that out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me"

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I thought you guys might appreciate this....

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. 
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I was still lost...

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A balding, white haired man walked into a jeweler store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
 

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On 8/20/2017 at 7:43 AM, gottajam said:

I thought you guys might appreciate this....

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. 
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I was still lost...

Awesome story...I'll admit you had me going!

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