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Getting ready to go out,  my wife spent an hour making herself look beautifulI.  I told her she only needed 50 minutes....

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Apparently jokes about wives, girls will be relevant always and everywhere. Thank you, laughed heartily.

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(You have to say this one to people rather quick to make them think about it)

 

A naked man walks into a Psychiatrist office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from clear Saran wrap.

 

The Doctor walks in and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're (your) nuts.

 

:D

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signs-19.jpg

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Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."





































 
 
 















 







































 
 
 

 







































 
 
 




















 

 

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Once, I tied all of my watches together to make a belt.

 

I realized it was a waist of time.

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One of my reps sent me this.  Baseball in Heaven:

 

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.


One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."


Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."


Shortly after that, Leo passed away. A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank.. Frank '......


"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leo-- it's me, Leo."


"You're not Leo, Leo just died."


"I'm telling you, it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo!..Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.


"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."


"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

 

 

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