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Share a crazy story that happened to you

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I will add one latter based on how funny, embarrassing yours are! Don't hold back. I want to hear when you were in full dumba$$ mode. 

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Took 10 mf'ing years to get my WIFE's (that is WIFE not 3rd cousin twice removed) US citizenship. Not a funny story but definitely crazy, know what I mean?

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you"

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11 minutes ago, babadono said:

Took 10 mf'ing years to get my WIFE's

Took my wife longer than that to get here period. I know what you mean, things can be SLIGHTLY drawn out here... 

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Don't want to get to political here but after what we were put through, do I think illegal aliens should get free health care? F  NO

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47 minutes ago, Westcoastdrums said:

Took my wife longer than that to get here period. I know what you mean, things can be SLIGHTLY drawn out here... 

But was she YOUR WIFE during that time?

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20 minutes ago, Westcoastdrums said:

No.   Touchy subject, I'll retract. 

It's all good....now. It were a long time ago:)

OP asked for crazy, not necessarily funny stories.

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Dogs got me up at dark thirty one icy cold night and insisted on being let out.  I stumbled from a deep sleep put on just enough clothes for the task and let em out. I waited by the door whilst they did their bidding. After some time they returned. They’d had diarrhea. One dog was a big old fluffy corgi and his backside was a serious mudslide of caked on smelly slime. He had to get cleaned up before all else. So I get the wet soapy towels (still 2/3rds asleep) bend over and start scrubbing. After a short while I stopped to rearrange said towel and upon inspection found it to be spotless......... nary a stain or stink. ‘‘Twas then that I figured out that when I’d leaned over to ‘mutt scrub’ that my muffler had gotten between the towel and the dog. I’d just cleaned the dogs *** with a $100 cashmere muffler. Oh well, at least the dog was happy.

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I had a touch lamp where the sensor went out.  I replaced it and it happened again about four years later.  Frustrated, I removed the sensor, bought a switch, drilled a hole, etc. and converted the light to a regular light.  Went to turn it on and it still didn't work.  After some investigation, I found the problem, the bulb was burnt out. 

 

 

Have a digital floor scale that signaled that it has a low battery.  I replaced the batteries and it still didn't work.  I went out and bought a doctors scale with the weight slides and restored it (love this scale).  Anyway, I tried the digital scale again and it keeps telling me that it has a low battery.  Well, here is what I discovered, when a scale says 'LB' is does not necessarily mean 'low battery'

 

 

I used to be an engineer, hard to believe with my mad skills noted above...

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Here is a story that has crossed my mind lately for some reason, it occurred about 15 years ago and still gives me a bit of a laugh.   A brand new 21 theater multiplex arrived nearby and I had to check it out as I'd never been to one. It was massive.   Walked into a huge lobby with at least a 30 foot ceiling, two large staircases on either side, later to find out, that was where the bathrooms were.   Watched a fairly long movie and afterwards we all piled out, had to hit the head in a big way and along with 100 others,  up the stair we went, thinking all the time that climbing stairs with a full bladder was a bad design.   We men piled into the bathroom and all grabbed a space on the wall. I threw my head back, closed my eyes, let loose and for the next minute or so, stood and reveled.   At some point, I open my eyes and looked down, only to discover and never before seen, that this bathroom had some urinals built for little kids, one of which I was in front of and had been going over the top of it the entire time,  burst out laughing at the absurdity of it and went on my way.     

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I left the office one day, got into my truck and started driving off. Got to the far end of the parking lot and saw a truck identical to mine. As I DROVE past it, I got panicked for a moment because I didn't remember parking there.  "why is my truck parked way over here?"

Gosh, did I feel stupid. 

Then I spent a while fearing that amp was dead. I checked the volume controls on the amp and the guitar several times. I checked and made sure the cord was plugged into the amp. Still nothing. Was upset that my amp was dead ... then realized that while I'd plugged one end of the cord into the amp, I never plugged the other end into the guitar.  Once  I did that, it worked fine. Think I should open a repair shop?

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2 hours ago, Shiva said:

Here is a story that has crossed my mind lately for some reason, it occurred about 15 years ago and still gives me a bit of a laugh.   A brand new 21 theater multiplex arrived nearby and I had to check it out as I'd never been to one. It was massive.   Walked into a huge lobby with at least a 30 foot ceiling, two large staircases on either side, later to find out, that was where the bathrooms were.   Watched a fairly long movie and afterwards we all piled out, had to hit the head in a big way and along with 100 others,  up the stair we went, thinking all the time that climbing stairs with a full bladder was a bad design.   We men piled into the bathroom and all grabbed a space on the wall. I threw my head back, closed my eyes, let loose and for the next minute or so, stood and reveled.   At some point, I open my eyes and looked down, only to discover and never before seen, that this bathroom had some urinals built for little kids, one of which I was in front of and had been going over the top of it the entire time,  burst out laughing at the absurdity of it and went on my way.     

 

I have an RV and it comes with a really small toilet.  One morning I sat down and everything didn't fit (morning, you know) so I decided to hold my little buddy outside the bowl and relieve my #2.  I was drowsy and forgot that all of our plumbing is connected and peed all over myself and the bath.  Luckily it is a shower / toilet combo and easy to rinse off but yuck. 

 

I am in the process of replacing the toilet with a human sized one. 

 

 

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I'm talking to a relative on the phone and we're talking about an upcoming event. I'm wondering what day of the week the event is happening

Me:   "do you have a calendar on your phone?" 

Relative:  "Yeah, hold on."  I hear some rustling noises and then "Oh crap!"

Me:  What's wrong?

Relative:  "I think I left my phone at work."

Me:  You mean the phone that you're talking on now?

Relative: I'm scared. 

 

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Years ago I purchased a white van on eBay to use in a business.  I flew to Dallas to collect it.  As I pulled out of the place it started to rain which accelerated my plan to get some oil, anti-freeze, and transmission fluid, just in case, for the long return to Michigan.  

 

The rain made it clear that new wiper blades were needed to make it clear home.  I pulled into a Wal-Mart and parked in the lot away from other vehicles.  

 

For some not recalled reason I opened the rear doors and climbed into the back of the van to get something.  Almost immediately the wind blew the doors shut.  I thought oh shit.  There was a locked bulkhead separating the passenger compartment from the rear.  The rear doors could not be opened from the inside.  The sliding door had the child safety lock engaged; it could not be opened.

 

I could yell, rock the van, and try to get the attention of passers-by to let the “prisoner” or mental patient out of the white van.  Fortunately, this was in the early days of cell phones.  I called my wife to say, “Guess what I just did.”  She suggested I call the store to ask that an employee let me out.  Alternatively, she suggested calling the police.  Somehow neither seemed like a good idea.

 

After examining the bulkhead door, I was able to spring the lock without doing permanent damage.  The trip resumed, but the adventure was not over.  

 

That van was soon totaled when a distracted driver in a  Corolla ran a red light on Woodward Ave. and struck the van deploying its airbags.

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Totally trashed working the last concert @ the old Cleveland Municipal Stadium for whoever was playing.  I couldn't hold it and I HAD to go so I'm headin in to the closest john.  Perfect it was 6 deep at the old trough urinals and there are two sinks soooo yup...  Half way thru I was relaxed enough to look around.  EVERY stall had a waiting line of 4-5 females and every darn one was watching me.  Busted, the ONLY thing I could think of was, "Just like watching your Dad when you were a lil girl isn't it?"  Tucked it back in, next man up and out the door!  What could I say?  Told everyone about it and they were dyin but agreein w/me on the choice.

 

Then there was the "New" talking Coke machine.  Sensed when you walked up to it and said, "How can I help you?" out of this 6" speaker in the door right at eye level.  So I put my money in and said, "Diet Coke" and NOTHING.  So I got closer to the speaker and said it again and NOTHING.  Group I was with started snickering.  LOUDER I said "Diet Coke PLEASE!"  Nothing.  By then everyone is rolling.  I was like WTF this thing has like $2 of my money.  Hit the change return button and nothing.  It had my money and by then everyone was dying.  Found out later that the ONLY thing the machine was supposed to say was, "How can I help you?" THEN you pushed these over-sized buttons for your selection.  Found that out after we were all in the van on the way out.  Someone else got my Coke.   :(   

 

 

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14 minutes ago, Dave1290 said:

Found out later that the ONLY thing the machine was supposed to say was, "How can I help you?" THEN you pushed these over-sized buttons for your selection.

that’s funny.

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17 minutes ago, DizRotus said:

Years ago I purchased white van on eBay to use in a business.

So you’re the guy that started the white van business.

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