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Woodog

OT: Hard way to start the New Year

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It was a hard day today. My sons mom, Kim, died on Thursday 12/29/2005 at age 41. She had a long history of mental illness, bulimia, alcohol and drug abuse. I suppose it finally wore her poor body out. She had been increasingly thin, suffering from kidney and liver problems. Her funeral was today, the first day of the new year.

There shouldn't be any sorrow in me because she put me through absolute HELL during my 30s and much of my 40s, driving me deep into debt just to be able to see my son. She accused me of child molestation in the public arena of this small town in an attempt to strip me of parental rights. She is the reason I havent pursued any intimate relationships the past 14 years, fearing a small town scandal and a renewed court battle in a very conservative area of the world. Even in the past few months she was explaining to Gavin about my hedonistic ways (I live such a wild life - ha ha) and trying to convince him to live with her.

Gavin, my son, spent the Friday before Christmas at her fathers house. I drove her home that night. We took a rather lengthy route back to her apartment so I could show her Christmas light displays. Gavin was pissing and moaning about it taking so long to get home because he wanted to go skateboarding, but I told him to be quiet. Kim had no car, no money, no ability to go anywhere, it was Christmas, and she was sober and seemed happy. He told me today that he was happy that we spent that extra time looking and giggling at some of the over-the-top displays. She was so thin and sometimes incoherent, but even so there were flashes of the wit I had known when I met her nearly 20 years prior. I wanted to tell her that night that I wished her life wasn't so hard, but I didnt cross over the wall I had built up with her. Still, the last moments I had with her and Gavin together were good ones. There were precious few of them over the years

Gavin is doing well. He suffered through all the folks hugging and kissing and playing with his hair without throwing a 14 y/os attitude back at them. So many of the pictures in the funerals slideshow showed Gavin as an infant/toddler/pre-schooler/, but dressed in Khakis and a blazer with a tie and speaking with a voice that sounds like it could come out of my mouth, I saw a young man. It was like the first time I didnt have to lift him to get a drink of water from the faucet. Sigh. I asked him if he was shocked about his mom while driving back from his grandmothers house tonight and he said that he was, but probably not as shocked as people thought he would be. He said he knew that she was really sick, and that he had worried about his mother dying many times, but that it finally happening was the shock.

I shouldnt have been sad, and yet I was. Kim spent much of her life hating herself and it seemed as if she spent a great amount of time trying to get others to hate her. Now shes free of the daily torment, free of the demons. She wouldnt have believed the many folks who came to see her send-off, but there were many. She wouldnt have believed that there were so many who were sad that she was no longer with us, but there were many. I wish she had been there for our son. I wish she had been able to love herself.

Ive been rambling on, but I needed to write this. I consider you friends. I know there are some of you who have spoken about their addictions here and the recovery process, and I hope that if youre reading this and have a hard time loving yourself that you at least keep trying to learn how.

There is a lot of love out there. Grab some of it.

Be well.

oh... and Happy New Year

Woo

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My thought's are with your son and yourself. Watch him as kids

handle thing differently. Sometimes things seem fine on the outside,

but are the opposite inside. I have a daughter who is having a hard

time dealing with things her mother put her through many years ago.

Stay strong.

Charlie

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Woo,

I was so sad when I read this post. I went to bed and couldn't sleep. This post kept running through my mind, so I got up and replied. It is people like you that convinced Elden and I to be a part of this "family". Through all the pain Kim has caused you still show love and compassion for her. That is so uncommon these days.

For a lot of us learning to truly love ourselves can be full time job.

I agree with Charlie, you should watch Gavin, kids react differently to things and sometimes it takes a while for the effects to be seen. Continue to love and guide him as you always have. Always remind him of the love you have for his mother, so he can feel confident in his love for her. Be sure also to tell him how much his mother loved him. Remind him of those things always. Kids look to us for reassurance in thier beliefs.

Thank you for making her last Christmas special and sharing a little extra time with her, I am sure it meant a lot to her.

When the time is right you will find someone to love you and Gavin and to share your lives.

Our deepest sympathies go out to you and Gavin.

Hebrews 11:1

Christy and Elden

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Woo,

We're awful sorry to hear about the death of your son's mother. Our thoughts and prayers are with Gavin and you.

Patrick and Rosalie

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Woodog,

Thanks for posting bro. There aren't really words to respond. I'd just want to say that you have my support and caring. I hope things go very well for you and Gavin in this next season of your lives.

Blessings this new year!

Dee

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Forrest,

I sat here and wept this morning, reading your post. We have the visitation for Barbara today, and her funeral tomorrow, and somehow, I know what you are going through, even though the relationships were/are so totally different. All the Christmas things we planned, thinking we had a little bit more time, just didn't happen.

Our daughter was here the day after she passed away, helping sort through clothes and picking things out for the funeral. She pulled out a pretty top that my wife had bought, that she would have to wear when we might attend a yearly celebration at a friend's. But we couldn't go. Or the Advent candles we bought at a friend's store, and never lit, because she deteriorated so quickly. The list could go on and on, as I am sure yours could.

I'll be thinking of you today.

Bruce

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Woodog,

Thanks for being a good dad for Gavin and thinking of us as friends. The input here has been incredible. You have the right attitude.

I have been spared the fate Kim had and I don't know why. Not too many people recover from this "condition". Addictions run very deep, as you well know. They permeate every part of the addict AND their families.

You know that Kim has been telling Gavin bad stuff about you for a long while. These "messages" are very dangerous and damaging to him.

He may need to have therapy because the young mind internalizes these influences and may go undetected and play out later in life.

Case in point; My father was very cynical about life and people. Even though I "KNEW" this was a bad attitude and despised him for it, I ended up with this crippling outlook on life. No matter how hard I try to shake it, It won't budge. Sometimes I even like it.

That's just ONE example.

Show Gavin your love and compassion, and somehow get him to understand that his mom was very sick, and what she was going through and what she did and said, was a symptom of her disease and it was not the way life is supposed to be. I hope you get to spend a lot of quality time with him.

Prayers, Bob

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Well, I've been through something similair with my sister & parents... not fun. Sounds like it's time for you to finally move on though. Good Luck to you & there's plenty of good years left.

I have a Shirt with a Lance Armstrong quote on it.. it reads "I now only have good days & great days" it refers to cancer, but maybe you can take something from that?

Take Care!

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Forrest,

You are a good man, and I know you are a great dad. You've also been quite an inspiration to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed our visit in Hope. You and Gavin are most certainly in my thoughts today. You too, Bruce (& Josh). 2005 has been a pretty rough year here, too (my Mom & brother-in-law passing). I received a ton of support from my forum brothers (and sisters!), and I know you know we're here for you as well. This must sound pretty sappy to newcomers here. Oh well! Thanks for being such good friends. Happy, Healing 2006.

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My thoughts and prayers go out to you and the family...don't think for a minute that you didn't let down the wall...you took her out to see Christmas lights and showed her kindness and tenderness...I am sure that was a comfort to her and should be to you as well...

Bill

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I shouldnt have been sad, and yet I was. Kim spent much of her life hating herself and it seemed as if she spent a great amount of time trying to get others to hate her. Now shes free of the daily torment, free of the demons. She wouldnt have believed the many folks who came to see her send-off, but there were many. She wouldnt have believed that there were so many who were sad that she was no longer with us, but there were many. I wish she had been there for our son. I wish she had been able to love herself.

After reading this, I honostly don't know what was more tragic, the way she lived or her ultimate demise.

Sounds like despite all the trials and tribulations, you still stuck it out for your son. In the end you showed the compassion and love that was really needed in the situation. Continue to show the love and compassion towards your son. Try to remember the happy moments of all this, and try not to dwell on all the bad.

We mourn for your loss, but pray for your continued well being, as well as that for your son.

Just an aside, my best friends lost his father earlier this month, and to add insult to the whole thing, his beloved Lhapso Apso dog passed away on Christmas.

The crazy roller coaster of Life..... [:|]

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God bless ya Forrest, and your son. It takes guts to be honest in this day in age. The truth will set you free, and can without a doubt help others. Hope the best for you and your son. Your son sounds like a strong little man, and you must be proud of him. Bill

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"There is a lot of love out there. Grab some of it."

Words to live by. It's good to see that you can still understand this after what you and your family have been through. I'm not really sure what to say otherwise, but I do know this: The comment I quoted from you tells me that you know what the real deal is. You demonstrate a wonderful sense of balance given all that you and your family have been through.

I am sorry for your loss.

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Woo:

Your sense of compassion is quite admirable. It is a healthy point of view to have, not only for yourself, but also for your son's benefit. Regardless of what you both went through as man and wife, she was still his mom. It's all about him now, and thank goodness he has a dad who recognizes that. God bless you and your son. I am sorry for your loss. Better days are ahead.

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I really don't know what to say, I feel for you and your son, make sure

to watch him and get him help asap if anything shows up. It is sad to

loose even someone who was a thorn in our side, it makes us think about

our own frailties and the temporary nature of life.

God bless you both.

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Woo, my heart goes out to your son. I know something of where you are now. My kid's mom died of liver cirrhosis resulting from alcohol abuse at age 42, seven years ago. My life with her was hell, I can relate. Her passing was sad but a blessing also. I was able to raise my children in an environment free of the lies, drugs and alcohol.

I could go on but this is your post.

I am saddened by the loss your son feels. He will always have a hole in his heart where is mom was. My kids still miss their mom despite the hardships. They always will - but they have fond memories also, as does your son.

God bless you and your family.

-Mark

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Woo,

Sorry for the loss. You are a sound father and will take care of Gavin just fine.

Remember, you and your son are always welcome for a return trip to our place anytime.

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Woo,

My heart goes out to you and your son also. You are one strong man to be able to hang in there for your son. there are alot of people in this world that would have just given up and moved on, but you stuck it out and I commend you for that.

I have a friend that has three kids that were raised in pretty much the same environment that you raised your son. His ex was in and out of the picture, in and out of jail, and who knows where all else. He also stuck it out with his kids thru it all. Last I heard she has been out of the picture for quite a while. Being a friend he would tell me this and that, I think just to get things off his chest. I was glad I was there, if for nothing more than someone to listen.

Hang in there. Sounds like now you can relax and live life again tho. Just keep looking to the bright side.

Steve

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Woo,

I'm sorry that so much has been taken away from you, Gavin and Kim over

the years as well as during the events of the recent week. Here's wishing, hoping and

praying that you and Gavin can hang onto what was good in Kim's

life. God bless you both. Take care. Hamish

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