Off topic: Question about human nature

[m00n]

First I want to request that this tread be kept as clean as possible.

So the wife and I were having a conversation. As some couples some times do, we start talking about previous relationships and flings. She starts talking about some football guy back in high school and I ask the question that every guy wants to know but really does not want to know. Did you guys do the deed. By the look on her face and her "we dated a little after high school" I knew the answer.

Now, the topic turns to high school reunions. I tell here that I have no desire to go to her reunion. Why she asks, because I have no desire to come face to face with some guy(s) (i don't know if it was just one or more) that she had gotten busy with. She replies with, SO WHAT?. I'm thinking to myself... You just have no clue how guys thing. So I tell her exactly that. That when a guy sees a women he had sex with, and she's with some new guy, what's going through his head is: "Dooood, I had her long before you did... Oh yeah, we did this, we did that, uh huh... I tore it up".

She's replies and says NO THEY DON'T. I said BS.. You ask any guy. She then asks, well.... do you think that way? Of course I do I replied, I'm a guy.

So the point of this post is to fine out, how many of you out there agree with me? At least on some level?

[Ray Garrison]

Depends on why and how we broke up.

If we parted as friends, and I bump into an old lover who's with a new guy, my reaction is usually something like "Man, I am so glad you found someone. How's it going?"

If I left her because, well, because there was some reason I just couldn't stay with her, and I bump into her with someone else, my reaction (unspoken) is "Man, you don't know what you're getting into. I hope you get out before you get hurt." and I say something like "How nice to see you again. Uh, I've got someone waiting for me..."

If she left me, and it hurt, a lot, and I see her with someone else, my stomach turns inside out and I just want to get the hell out of there.

I've never felt the reaction you were talking about.

Ray

[ancientdude]

As a younger man,

If I saw my ex-girlfriend that I had gotten "busy with" with another man, of course I would think that! Especially if they were married...

I would think: I had her first, I did the deed.

But in that way I can be very jealous...and I can see exactly where moon is coming from. Seems to represent my feelings explicitly and I am sure a majority of men would agree to these reactions.

By human-nature we are born prone to thinking ourselves superior to other people...even if we dont admit it (sub-consciously, in some way or other, we do). This situation enforces that superiority.

[dtel's wife]

Moon,

I thought only women thought like that i.e. she did the deed with him, he was with her before me etc., etc., etc.

Took me a long time to come to this conclusion. As a matter of fact it took twenty years for me to come to this conclusion. I don't care who he was with before, because he's with me now. I do realize twenty years is a long time to learn how to cope with the situation, but heck it's better than never. Needless to say the last seven years of marriage have been happier than the first twenty.

Don't let something like that keep you from attending her class reunion. You should be proud to walk in with her on your arm. She's with you now and I would assume the "football fling" was a good while back, if we are talking class reunions now.

In keeping with your request to keep it clean...dtel's favorite saying is "reach up around your neck and get a grip." [] Seriously, show the "football" dude what he is missing out on and show her the good time she deserves at the high school reunion.

As a side note...Every class reunion I ever attended sucked.

[Duke Spinner]

m00n ......

you and Sputnik .....

think too much ....[:S]

[dtel's wife]

Or maybe, you didn't think it through enough.[*-)]

[sunburnwilly]

Moon , were you a virgin when you got married ? Ever do the deed with someone you went to school with ? Get over it ...

[Marvel]

I've been to two of Barbara's HS reunions. We have had a blast, and they have been great fun. Never have made it back to one of my own reunions.

m00n,

The 70s were full of all the equal rights/feminist stuff. My wife was very pro everything. But our relationship was pretty stinking bad. Not that we didn't care for one another, or have some good times, because we did. But we were 'modern', and not into the old fashioned stuff. But it ended up in divorce. Part of the reason was a mutual friend who told her he could show her how to find god (I'll make that a little 'g'). He isolated her from everyone, including her own family. I didn't know where she was living, even though it was only a few blocks from the home we had shared together. He beat the crap out of her when she didn't play by his rules. Broke a rib or two. Broke an ear drum. She got down to 95 pounds. Said he would kill her but she wouldn't know when it was going to happen. She finally ran away. We remarried after each had a specific religious conversion (so to speak). I saw the guy a few times after that. I had to let it go. He faded into the past. A sexual encounter it was not, but we both knew more of our past that I'm not willing to share here.

But it became just that, something in the past and not nearly as important as the present. The question might be to ask you if you had a relationship with someone else. It cuts both ways.

Bruce

[m00n]

I'm not dwelling on the past. Not like I let if ruin my life or anything like that. No no no, not at all. And this was not an argument we had by any means. I was just trying to get her to stop thinking so naively is all.

[fini]

Hey wait a minute...What high school did she go to?

[codhead]

Go to her reunion. If some guy starts to act too familiar with the wife

(or you know his name in advance), look at him and say "Hi... you must

be 'Tiny'." A statement like that would haunt any self-respecting guy

for quite a while.

[Audible Nectar]

It doesn't matter how the other dude thinks - it's how your wife thinks.

It goes like this:

If the other dude was "any good" (and that can be taken on a "performance" level, as well as the quality of person and how he treated the wife), she would probably still be with him. But she's NOT. She's with YOU, and I assume there is a good reason for that. Then again, maybe he just wasn't her type - but the bottom line is that she's with YOU.

One way of ensuring that the wife has no "long lost" feelings for "the other dude" is to make sure there's no reason to stray. With my wife - whether it is on a "performance" level (and I always make sure of that), the way I respect her, the way I treat her - there is never a reason for her to stray. So if the wife DOES see her ex at a reunion or anywhere else in the future, there shouldn't be an issue. Not that there's been any evidence that your wife IS interested in this other fellow, but in my analysis, that's all that counts.

As for what the dude thinks - it's immaterial. If the dude thinks that "I had her first", then why didn't he go back for seconds? Why didn't your wife go back for seconds? The point is that she is with YOU, and that is a decision that SHE made. In a good relationship like mine, I can deal with the wife's ex by knowing that the wife's ex messed up - because he's not with her anymore - and I am. And if the ex was actually better to my wife than I am, then she would have never left him in the first place. Problem solved.

My issue with class reunions are much different than yours. I'm with D-Tel's wife on this one - every one I ever went to SUCKED. Usually, class reunions end up being "my job/trophy wife/car/home/kids are better than yours" or similar "measuring up" - just like the high school days we are revisiting. The people from my high school that I wanted to keep touch with - I mostly have. The rest of 'em - I don't see. So that solves the issue of reunions.....

[stan krajewski]

Build a time machine. Go back and make it right.

[mark1101]

Moon,

Go to the reunion!!!! The guy is probably 300 lbs, bad looking, married with kids, and completely finished. Who knows you might even get to talk to him and find out he's a decent guy. Stranger things have happened.

We are all pretty much in the same boat. You just need to get those thoughts out of your head and go have fun.

It would be much better to let it play out and see how rediculous the thoughts about it were. You will probably have a good time.

Hopefully, he doesn't look like Joe Namath anymore. [][]

[cmdridq]

Do you mistrust your wife? Are you insecure in your relationship with her? Do you have low self-esteem? Unless you can't answer NO to those questions, I don't see why you are worried about this. Personally, I could care less about what any of my wife's old b/fs thought or did. You'll never know anyway, and what difference would it make if you did? And even if other guys did 'tear it up', so what? We all know it doesn't wear out, and I've always found a little experience always seems to be better than none at all. Don't act jealous and insecure, it only makes you look like a wimp.

[Jeff Matthews]

I don't see any point in worrying who might think what or do what. What's done was done. And Audible's right. Plus, if a person worries that his/her spouse might have an affair, it is worry that is well-wasted IMO. No amount of worry can keep a person loyal, so why bother with worrying?

My attitude is to chalk up whatever you learn like this in terms of "big deal." Or like Audible says, "whatever that dude had, it must not be what I've got."

I say this to anybody: "Worrying that a spouse might get swept off his/her feet into some fling or worse, yet, a new romance, is not worth worrying about, because worry won't prevent it." So, have fun and stop worrying. You never know, that "dude" could turn out to be a rather important client down the road. Hell, yeah, I'd take his money.... []

[jacksonbart]

Past relationships and what partners have learned from them to some degree make them who they are to you today. Its the rare exception that a couple meet very young and stay exclusivly together the rest of thier lives. Its no big deal.

[billyjoe72]

I agree with mark. The guy probably picked up twice his weight and picked up an STD.

[sputnik]

I'd say go to the reunion. There are so many positives that

outweigh any petty jealousies. It sounds like it's important to

your wife and she probably sees it as a chance to share some her life

that you missed out on and to show off her m00n doggie in front of her old

friends.

It's so easy to take our wives for granted and meeting her old friends

could also give you renewed appreciation for her. I was working

in Alaska a few years ago and my wife asked me to look up one of her

old boyfriends from college. She said that we'd really get

along. We met up for beers and it was great to meet him and hear

him talk about my wife - "Whoa, she's such an awesome lady, you're so

lucky". My wife was right, I really liked him and he even set up

some helicopter skiing for me. More importantly, I was reminded

of why I fell in love with my wife in the first place.

It's so common to want to believe that our wives old boyfriends are

fat stupid slobs but then that sentiment doesn't say much

about us or our wives. It actually felt good to find out first

hand that my wifes old boyfriends weren't jerks or losers. I

would have my doubts about a woman that ridiculed or complained about

her ex lovers. These past relationships are important parts of

who we are now.

Also, turn the tables. Would you want your wife to duck out on

some event that was important to you because she didn't want to face one of

your ex girl friends?

I say, go to the reunion. It's something for her, make sure she has a good time. You could score some big points.

[jacksonbart]

I agree with mark. The guy probably picked up twice his weight and picked up an STD.

Are you saying Moon's wife has an STD?