34 years later...

[Marvel]

Man, this is just awful. I haven't had to ask anyone out for over 34 years. I did this past week, and it made me feel like a 16 year old. And not in a good way. I'll probably get acne again too.

Phew! She said 'no', but I'm totally okay with that. Actually, it was "I'm really flattered you would want to take me out, but..." She's going through some soul searching of her own and needs some time. So it didn't hurt the friendship, which is really, really good.

No one will ever replace my wife, but wow, the emotions you can go through.

Bruce

[colterphoto1]

I"m with ya Bruce, I got the 'lets' just hang out and be friends' line last week too.

It sucks being in your 40's still trying to date. I was never much good at it at 18, certainly no better now.

So if it makes you feel any better at all, you are not alone. At least you got to find one life partner and life fulfilled for that period of your life. You are a lucky man.

Michael

[Marvel]

Michael,

She told me far more than I will say here, but I think we'll be going out one of these days.

She's quiet, unassuming, quite intelligent, and can't understand why someone would want to pursue her. Did I mention she is absolutely beautiful? I told her I could think of quite a few reasons. It's genuine humility. She really just doesn't see it.

I'm not in a hurry. Michael, life ain't over for you yet. I'm telling ya, you better be careful when you make that trip down South. Southern girls... they are real foolers they are. []

Bruce

[Daddy Dee]

Marvel,

Asking someone out is a prospect I wouldn't want to imagine or do again. Keep hanging in there. Sounds like a neat gal, though.

Michael,

Marvel is right about southern women. I met and married my wife in Atlanta and I was a perfectly happy being a single guy. After meeting her, I changed my mind. Now I think marriage is a wonderful institution. As long as you don't mind spending the rest of your life in an institution.

[oldbuckster]

Marvel, Mike, hang in there guys...........It's worth the wait for the right One!!!!! Good things come to good people........I can't imagine dating again........Yikes!!!.............

[PhilMays]

Guys I'm with you. I divorced my best friend and wife of 16 years (together for 20) two years ago as she did not want kids. It was tough, really tough. Not as tough as what you went through Bruce and I couldn't even imagine. My heart goes out to you and anyone in your shoes.

Back to point. I started dating and went to the bars for about two weeks. I found out those days were over, and they girls in their 40's that go there...ugggg

Anyway I went on match.com and ended up talking to three very lovely ladies (whittled down to 3) that all had their masters degrees and doing very well for themselves. After one asked me out, that was it!

Today we are together, bought a house together, and I now have a lovely 5 year old boy and 7 year old girl as well. We have them in private school and have a complete life. I was lucky enough to find another best friend and soul mate. She may not fish and like Pink Floyd, but understands my needs for that...so that's enough for me!

I remember dating as well! It was scary at first feeling like a 16 year old, however, dating in your 40's was great! You now can be totally honest! I found dating to be a great experience once I was over the initial "jitters".

I remember on my very first date Meri was so overwhelmed with me as I was a nervious wreck, sweaty palms and all.

Hang in there guys!!!

Phil

[sheltie dave]

Bruce, hang in there, man. I lost my college fiance when I was in the Navy(26 years old,) and was miserable for five years after, and gunshy for another five years. Part of what you are going through is the feeling that you don't want to be doing this, because you still are married, in love with, and committed to your wife. For many years a large part of your daily life, and the tranquility and peace you found was due to another person.

Now she has moved on, and left you with all she could build during your magnificent time together. There are some HUGE accomplishments! For me, twenty years ago it seemed inconceivable to ever want to date another lady, because it would be impossible to find all the same qualities in another person, and in some way it would dishonor the committments we had made. It took time to evolve from that position, and to this day I have "what if" moments.

You probably will make it through the woods when you figure out how to keep the feelings and memories as an active part of your life without it being your life. You certainly can't bury everything; you just need to puzzle how to live with the dichotomy so you find your peace again. In your region, the big advantage is many people have seen how you lived, treated, and acted with your wife. There are many smart ladies who would kill to have a chance to bask in the glory of being on a pedestal half as high, so they will be willing to put up with your adjusting to two new lives.

Keep your head and spirits up - everyone wants you to be happy and whole.[A]

[Amy]

Man, this is just awful. I haven't had to ask anyone out for over 34 years. I did this past week, and it made me feel like a 16 year old. And not in a good way. I'll probably get acne again too.

Phew! She said 'no', but I'm totally okay with that. Actaully, it was "I'm really flattered you would want to take me out, but..." She's going through some soul searching of her own and needs some time. So it didn't hurt the friendship, which is really, really good.

No one will ever replace my wife, but wow, the emotions you can go through.

Bruce

Hey Bruce,

Just taking that first step is tremendous, regardless of her answer. Good for you! I'm glad to hear you're keeping options open for your future. I didn't know your wife, but from everything I've heard from you, I'm quite certain she was a lovely person and would want you to be happy.

This makes me smile. []

--Amy

[scott0527]

Man, this is just awful. I haven't had to ask anyone out for over 34 years. I did this past week, and it made me feel like a 16 year old. And not in a good way. I'll probably get acne again too.

Phew! She said 'no', but I'm totally okay with that. Actaully, it was "I'm really flattered you would want to take me out, but..." She's going through some soul searching of her own and needs some time. So it didn't hurt the friendship, which is really, really good.

No one will ever replace my wife, but wow, the emotions you can go through.

Bruce

Hey Bruce,

Just taking that first step is tremendous, regardless of her answer. Good for you! I'm glad to hear you're keeping options open for your future. I didn't know your wife, but from everything I've heard from you, I'm quite certain she was a lovely person and would want you to be happy.

This makes me smile. []

--Amy

Threads like this are what makes this place so much more than the average "audio" forum. Good luck to you Bruce.

[Marvel]

I am so used to sticking my foot in my mouth, I wasn't sure how things would go.

It was a relief to know I could ask and live to tell about it. [] I think that the anxiety doesn't change no matter how old you get.

It's hard to think of the future without some kind of expectation, without projecting what you want into your thinking. All the values you have, beliefs you have, be they only secular, or religious, a combination of both, they all play a part. I guess a twenty year old may not think of these things, and hormones are the only thing that rules. Mores the pity, as life is so rich.

A couple of points I should mention, perhaps. My wife was the best -- for me anyway. Now that she is gone, I get to live a balance of not getting rid of everything that reminds me of her and not turning the house into a museum. At least we had the chance to say goodbye to one another, although, you feel like you never say the right things. I can't imagine those who lose a spouse/friend/significant other, through an accident or other tragedy that takes them away quickly, without the communication we had her last six months.

So... I have once again, as others here have, shared far more personal insights than I should. That's what I love about this place. Guess I will have to get to Indy or Hope and meet some of you. It's just not worked out in the past.

Bruce

[Jay481985]

She's quiet, unassuming, quite intelligent, and can't understand why someone would want to pursue her. Did I mention she is absolutely beautiful? I told her I could think of quite a few reasons. It's genuine humility. She really just doesn't see it.

Ah the good and genuine ones. I went to a party yesterday and it was hard not to find a girl without dyed hair, lots of makeup, fancy pursues to try and hide their insecurity. Lets not even talk about freshmen girls..... [8-)]

[Jay481985]

It's hard to think of the future without some kind of expectation, without projecting what you want into your thinking. All the values you have, beliefs you have, be they only secular, or religious, a combination of both, they all play a part. I guess a twenty year old may not think of these things, and hormones are the only thing that rules. Mores the pity, as life is so rich.

Not quiet true, I can look beyond religion. But there are still things that make me feel human. I get lonely at nights.

[jt1stcav]

I too, know just how you feel, Bruce, and I congratulate you on your first attempt back into the dating game. I feel in my heart that your wife is smiling down on you wanting you to get back into sharing your life with someone special again...I'm sure it's what she wanted for you!

I'm surprised I still have the nerve to ask a woman out myself at 43...the nerves didn't hit me in the gut the way it did back when I was 16, and I had much more confidence in myself. She said she was extremely flattered and that she'd love to go out with me, but in the end she said no, only because she was going back to upstate NY to finish her education in veterinary medicine (that, and she had just met another man a month earlier, so I waited to ask a little too long). She's the last woman I asked out since '99...after being laid off, filing bankruptcy, and losing everything I owned, I still haven't recovered financially. It's this reason alone that I don't persue dating anyone anymore, and she and I had talked about it before, so she understood my situation and was still very comfortable around me. I had just procrastinated too long thinking I had more time to finally ask her out.

Don't ever procrastinated and think you can ask anytime you feel the time is right. Take the bull by its horns and don't put it off like I did...or you just may lose out.

[Marvel]

Don't ever procrastinate and think you can ask anytime you feel the time is right. Take the bull by its horns and don't put it off like I did...or you just may lose out.

That's why I'm not telling everything here. []

[jt1stcav]

[Y]

[Mighty Favog]

Our relationship is a bit bass ackwards. Sheila and I worked together doing temp jobs for a temp agency. During some (then) recent trauma in my life my parents threw me out and Sheila said I could stay with her (didn't even contact my parents or family for over 6 months). The relationship happened after the "shacking up". I thought it rather strange since she is a bit older than I am (12 years).

I don't think I ever got a "yes" asking a gal on a date, in high school or any time else. I've been asked a couple times but that was it.

[Marvel]

Tom,

I understand that. This will sound like I'm preaching, but I'm not...okay?

Barbara and I lived together and then got married...for almost five years, and then we divorced. Both became Christians, apart from one another. We then remarried, had kids, and the best next 28 years you cnould ever hope for. The circles I run in, coupled with my own beliefs, won't permit me to shack up with anyone. It's not fair for either party. It's permanent or it isn't happening. Dating is another matter, or at the least, getting to know someone well enough to make that leap.

I am not condemning your actons, it's just where I'm at.

Bruce

[oldbuckster]

Tom,

I understand that. This will sound like I'm preaching, but I'm not...okay?

Barbara and I lived together and then got married...for almost five years, and then we divorced. Both became Christians, apart from one another. We then remarried, had kids, and the best next 28 years you cnould ever hope for. The circles I run in, coupled with my own beliefs, won't permit me to shack up with anyone. It's not fair for either party. It's permanent or it isn't happening. Dating is another matter, or at the least, getting to know someone well enough to make that leap.

I am not condemning your actons, it's just where I'm at.

Bruce

Way to go Marvel...........a refreshing view in today's way of doing things.....Stick to your guns.....An honest point of view.........Good for you!!!............

[Vahorns]

Hey Marvel---

Good to hear you are doing well with the entire singles scene.

My life took a big turn 15 years ago when my EX decided she no longer wanted to be married. We had three young children, a big mortgage, all the suburban trappings, and she had changed dramatically after having our third child. 13 years of marriage down the drain, not what I wanted, then stuck trying to take care of three young children, pay huge child support, work a demanding full-time job, etc. I was 40 at that time.

Unfortunately, my story is similar for many others too. But that was 15 years ago, my oldest just graduated law school with honors, starts with a fine law firm tomorrow.

My youngest started college this fall and my middle child is working full-time while doing school part-time. I was the primary care-taker due my EX's dis-interest, except for her own selfish desires.

I dated several really nice ladies during my first 10-11 years being a single Dad, one that I saw for 5 years, but she two-timed me, so that ended.

I 'm an active, athletic type so even at 50+, I've really held up quite well, in great physical condition. And luckily, in spite of all the financial worries over the years, I am a consistent saver/investor, and am in great shape there. Owned my own single family home for my children for the last 12 years, and maxed the 401K for years.

Without continuing to run on, I'd like to say you have nothing to worry about. Guys our age have more positive options than the ladies.

I have travelled extensively and I am coming to the conclusion that the foreign ladies are better mates in many ways. I don't want it to be that way, but where I live (Wash.DC area), guys our age are simply judged on their material, not their character.

So my advice...watch OUT for the gold diggers/fortune hunters/selfish types, and take your time.

You are in the drivers seat!

All the best,

Stew

[Clarence]

She's quiet, unassuming, quite intelligent, and can't understand why someone would want to pursue her. Did I mention she is absolutely beautiful? I told her I could think of quite a few reasons. It's genuine humility. She really just doesn't see it.

Ah the good and genuine ones. I went to a party yesterday and it was hard not to find a girl without dyed hair, lots of makeup, fancy pursues to try and hide their insecurity. Lets not even talk about freshmen girls..... [8-)]

mmmm freshmen.......