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I Say Old Chaps


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Basil Thebes here, Mssr. Thebes's cousin from across the pond.

I've been mucking about with the odd valve, lifting the bonnet on the preamp, and fiddling about with the gramaphone.

Now the gramophone's been a spot of bother. An icon of the British Empire don't you know. A Rega P3, RB 300 tonearm with that dashingly good looking glass platter. We may have abandoned Mr. Whitworth's scientific measurement scheme, but we still produce the odd invention now and then. However, since the cotton mills have shuttered we are somewhat lacking in record mats. We've been making do with platter mats reworked from the felt slippers used by powder monkeys on our old ships of the line. I do believe my particular felt mat began it's career in the Artemis, a 32 gun frigate commissioned in 1803.

To put it bluntly I'm casting about for something more suitable in a mat. The current thing has a tendency to lift off with the record during dry weather. Of course, since we lost Singapore, rubber is out. Concerned about this new material, Sorbathane I think they call it. Can't quite fathom the utility of something that actually sticks to your records. Strikes me as somewhat gluey.

So what do say chaps? 'Merican Thebes, dear cousin that he is, seems to think you colonials, er excuse me, habitants of these here Younited States, as he's wont to say, could lend a hand and provide an inspiration or two.

I'm also quite sure my dearest companions Chelsea and Champagne would be ever most grateful.

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First things first you barmy brit, We won these here UNITED STATES from you in a fair scrap. Put it behind you once and for all. Whining Limeys any way.

Have you considered a temporary adhesion before you return the felt to the deep six to join the rest of your ill gotten vessell?

Just a thought here old fellow, maybe some bees wax or sililar sticky substance laying around in your second hand shrinking empire. Shouldn't attach permanently to the glass platter and properly dispersed might not be a balance issue.

Sgt. Harry Watchurbutt formerly of the Colonial Marines at your service.

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And another thing, Basil.....

That Thebes was supposed to give us forum members sex ed classes a couple years ago and never followed thru...

Something about some8 something arantz whatever spun him around.

I'm waiting to be educated. I'm making puppies like Doans has little pills in the meantime.

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Oh Sir Harry, you're quite right of course. Nothing like a good stand up fight to clear the sinuses and the bileous vapors that arise from sedate living. I must say the beeswax approach never occured to me but perhaps this is a somewhat inelegant solution . I am also wondering if their are sonic benefits to be gained from utilizing a different mat. Although I am not inclined to expand a vast sum on such a minor experiment.

Islander, a most helpful list of links and perhaps I could have one of the servants run up one two of them. A worthy endeavor for the lower classes to undertake.

Ah young Arfanbark. I do believe the Professor did indeed provide such a lecture in his "Never Solder While Drunk" thread. Ah yes here's the reference:

Ah yes Safe Sex.

I’ll get to your specific questions in a moment Travis, but
first a little background on the historical origins of safe sex is in order.

Safe Sex started like many things during the golden age of
Greece. Various philosophers observed that
sex among men and women almost invariably resulted in the production of babies
and postulated that sex between men almost completely eliminated this side

This system worked very well until one day Plato was heard
to exclaim “I’ve got to get me some”. This publicly expressed carnal yearning
created a schism of sorts among the Greeks and soon resulted in the development
of different schools of thought such as the Sophists, the Cynics, The Liberaces
and my personal favorite the Wisenheimers.

Although the safe sex movement in Greece had resulted in
wonderful statues glorifying the “Greek Ideal’ the various bickering of these
schools of thought fractured Grecian harmony and led to their absorption by the

Now the Romans never practiced safe sex and over time this
resulted in total moral rot, the collapse of their empire and the rise of the
Middle Ages.

During the Middle Ages, the preferred method of safe sex was
something called a “chastity belt”. This device was also known as the "Iron Maiden”. It did not work very well but the overall
effect of women wearing a heavy iron truss for months on end did result in
unsightly broad hips and a consequent diminution of the production of babies.

Then along came the Renaissance where little safe sex was
practiced until the rise of the religious movement called
CalvinandHobbsinists. They practiced
safe sex by hitting people up side of the heads with big honkin bibles.

Now to the modern era of safe sex which was a direct
outgrowth of the rejection of the excess of “The Flappers” during the Roaring
Twenties. The scanty clothing worn by these ladies plus their tribal rights of
dancing (The Lindey Hop and the Charleston) resulted in a movement to apply
modern scientific methodology such as the “I Got Rhythm” method, The Pillory
and the most successful methodology: golf.

Now as to the specifics of your questions, Travis, I have
consulted with Professor Tickles and
Mistress Professor Tawny and will answer your questions as postulated.

What is the maximum speed one should be driving while having


Tawny: “Get your sorry butt over to
the passenger side and I’ll show you how fast I can make this baby go”

Thebes: “A sedate 18 miles per hour
should do it

What is the maximum height one should attempt the act without
using a net?

Tickles: “Trampolines, I just love

“This is a bungee cord. This is a very tall bridge. Over we gooooooooooooo…

Thebes: “No higher than the kitchen counter”

Under what situations would you recommend wearing a
helmet? No not that kind, the kind that you strap on under your chin.

Tickles: “Well I was visiting my Uncle Armstrong
up on the space station recently and I found that wearing a helmet kept my head
from hitting the ceiling, or was it the floor? I should have put helmets on my
high heels because one got stuck in something, which broke, and now the station
doesn’t fly right and they asked me to leave. Oh this also helps answer question #2.”

Tawny: “For some reason Thebes always wears a
helmet when we are getting frisky

Thebes: “In the shower or within a half mile of

He was a legend in hi
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> I must say the beeswax approach never occured to me but perhaps this is a somewhat inelegant solution .

Indeed. I tried it but there was this awful buzzing sound...


Please don't kick Martin out of the Taverna onto the street with the rest of us next time he has a snootful. Just put him to bed...

Your O'bnt Srvnt,

Dave OBE., MFA, NRA, and BFD.

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Please accept my most sincere apologies for assuming Thebes had not written the guidelines for safe sex without me performing the proper research beforehand.

I cannot help but think the nefarious Jacksonbart didn't have a hand in leading me down the path of unreasonably quick and wrongful decisions.

Again, I must reiterate that if I follow these threads to thier cumulation I would be much more knowledgable and reduce most of the redundancy that I seem to create.

I will certainly be more observant in the future.

In the meantime, ask Thebes if Bob Barker gives grants to desex oversized canine families.

Most Humbly,


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  • 2 weeks later...

Basil here again.

I'm a trifle miffed don't you know. I dare say if this is an example of how a forum works it's no wonder why we read about the Greeks in our history books instead of meet with them across a cup of tea.

I've posed a question or two but still there appears to be no consensus, or even steady on advice to the question at hand, to wit, will an upgraded platter mat yield a sonic improvement.

Perhaps I was mislead by "Merican Thebes, and this place is inhabitated solely by rotters, rather than discerning gentlemen attuend to the nuances of the finer things in life.

Say there chaps could use a spot of help here. Those delectable and delicious paragons of the Empire, Champagne and Chelsea are decidedly unhappy. The moues and frowns on their aristocratically chiseled faces are most unsettling. They've shown their displeasure by wearing those dreary floor length ensembles worn during the Victoria era. Yes, the tightly drawn corsets add a certain dimension to their figures, but I did so like there latest fashion, a revival motif featuring white go-go boots and miniskirts.

So what do you say lads. Give us a bit of Lend Lease here, say wot?

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By Jove Basil - what a terrible tale of woe unbounded. So the TT is out of sorts is it? I noticed from an entirely cursory glance through your missive that you neglect to mention the cartridge thingamabob attached to the end of the arm. Might that not be the source of your troubles?

One hesitates to mention but I have found that these arms are somewhat fussy when it comes to the cartridges they mate with (and who can blame them?) but from the sounds of your issues it would appear to be somewhat similar to the strange case of the "Grado Dance" wherein an entirely unsuitable type (towit one grado) was mated to an arm such as yours and proceed to jig and dally about like whirling dervish. Definitely not the sort of ballywho one wants on a gramophone, of course.

Just a thought - 'course a nice mat can't hurt but I would wager the cartridge is the primary culprit here.

Come to that - how old is the aforementioned cart. They dont last forever you know - not like back in the day of the Raj. Back when I was a lad they were handed down from father to son.......

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