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Daddy Dee

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Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital; Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, HANG UP! It doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. BUT PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, PLEASE HANG UP. OUR OPERATORS ARE TOO BUSY TO TALK WITH YOU.

If you are MENOPAUSAL, PUT THE GUN DOWN, HANG UP, TURN ON THE FAN, LIE DOWN AND CRY. YOU WON'T BE CRAZY FOREVER.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Bobby & Bubba, Arkansas mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Bobby shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Bobby are currently working for the government...and helping to design the "stimulus package."
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A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could
take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.." The
boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it
helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the
hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."


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Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital; Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, HANG UP! It doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. BUT PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, PLEASE HANG UP. OUR OPERATORS ARE TOO BUSY TO TALK WITH YOU.

If you are MENOPAUSAL, PUT THE GUN DOWN, HANG UP, TURN ON THE FAN, LIE DOWN AND CRY. YOU WON'T BE CRAZY FOREVER.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

"This coming week is NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care."

OK, OK!! I called myself but he keeps hanging up. [:S]

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O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."



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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to
carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me
how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

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Ear Infection
>
> This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's
> office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of
> others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
>
> There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
> who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
> full of other patients.
>
>
>
> I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
> this old guy handled it.
>
> A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
> approached the desk.
>
> The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing
> the Doctor for today?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my dick', he
> replied.
>
> The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You
> shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say
> things like that. '
>
> 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told
> you,' he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some
> embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
> said there is something wrong with your ea
r or something and
> discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
> private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people
> questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could
> embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several
> minutes, and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he
> stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
> had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
> Sir?'
>
> 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter..


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AUSTRALIA - THE VOICE OF MODERATION

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one ******* terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful..

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.


She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'


Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'


'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double -pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Pope goes Bear Hunting

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the PopeMobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Save the Whales’ hat and a ‘To Hell with Bush’ T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.’

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was that guy?’

‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.’

‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-@ss grill for one little weenie?"

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Two Romantic Seniors
Maude and John, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for
dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town
and ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they just shared, each
was lost for a
time in their own thoughts. . .. . .

John was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I would have
taken off my pantyhose."

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The economy is so bad...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear

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Bats & Balls!


An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "RUN, RUN!"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bugger, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"


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I thought I'd post this here for those of you unfamiliar with the proper Uses For Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabiliser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh f**k..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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New element added to Periodic Table -
The Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science: (Gv)
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons..

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.


This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you
should
have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to
read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a
wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and
to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to
breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- A lex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.
- Bob Hope

<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through
Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear
out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.



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