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Daddy Dee

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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of

Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.


And she said unto Abraham , her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far

from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever

leaving thy tent?"


And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags

short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"


And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in

between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will

reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made

on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."


Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with

the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate

success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,

without ever having to move from his tent.


To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It

was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also

developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The

People (HTTP).


And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy

horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical

Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches

were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of

Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did

insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates '

drumheads and drumsticks.


And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken

over by others."


And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came

to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."


And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"

said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot

Com.


Abraham's cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic

Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to

locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's

Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).



That is how it all began. AND THAT'S THE TRUTH!
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FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang

at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles from here!'
and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'


The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'


The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'


So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



THIRD DEGREE

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She
opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.


The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'


A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was
about.


Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.


As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your butt,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.

[:|]

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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I

intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your

eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my

family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The

crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed

the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from

the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred

pieces.

"SH_T !", said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice
and strain your nutts.

Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas ! Ole!!
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WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY . . . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, And we will take as many gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, And finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, But when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

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While at work my co-worker scratches off a million dollar lottery winning ticket.

He calls his wife at home and sez....Honey,i just won the lottery,you better start packin'.....

She sez......Do i pack for cold weather or warm weather ?

He sez....it don't matter to me as long as you're gone when i get there. Shocked

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is
a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,
it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians
used a pencil.

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly:

"Paint…my…house."

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blond.....

"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say.

"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[H]

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Laws Of Nature

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If
you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Stadium - At
any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always
arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times
to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end
of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats
come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.


12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The
chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If
you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment,
and you'll stay sick.


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