Groomlakearea51 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham , her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates ' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. AND THAT'S THE TRUTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' THIRD DEGREE Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted December 1, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 1, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted December 1, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 1, 2011 We are in trouble... The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !! Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your butt, At your computer, reading jokes.. Nice. Real nice. [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted December 9, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 9, 2011 CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH_T !", said the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhoak Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nutts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher. Cherry Mistmas ! Ole!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CECAA850 Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAYMan who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.Finally CONFUCIUS SAY . . . . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted December 20, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 20, 2011 A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, And we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, And finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, But when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted December 20, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 20, 2011 While at work my co-worker scratches off a million dollar lottery winning ticket. He calls his wife at home and sez....Honey,i just won the lottery,you better start packin'..... She sez......Do i pack for cold weather or warm weather ? He sez....it don't matter to me as long as you're gone when i get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 We're having quite a storm here tonight. Really violent, windy, lightening thunder etc. All my wife can do is stare through the window. If it gets any colder, i guess i'll have to let her in... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigStewMan Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 We're having quite a storm here tonight. Really violent, windy, lightening thunder etc. All my wife can do is stare through the window. If it gets any colder, i guess i'll have to let her in... Love it. that was great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blond..... "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house." [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Laws Of Nature 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.11.. Law of the Theater & Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.