Marvel Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Why men shouldn't write... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted May 19, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 19, 2012 A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Just what we'd expect from him: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 “ There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man. ” — Aristotle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted June 7, 2012 Moderators Share Posted June 7, 2012 A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like s#*^" The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading". --Thomas Jefferson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boxx Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Does that mean that we are waiting around for "Novermber, 2012?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 no idea, what's the significance of that date? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djk Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Democracy is a suggestion box for slaves. - Molyneux Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boxx Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 no idea, what's the significance of that date?I'm the one that wrote it and this morning I haven't a clue what I meant to say.... This is not a good sign... lol.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 haha, this buds for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrinkles Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seti Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 (disclosure) Stolen from Picky's wife Verna from FB..... And God promised men That good and obedient wives would be Found in all corners of the world.Then He made the Earth round . . . . . . And laughed and laughed and laughed . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted June 25, 2012 Moderators Share Posted June 25, 2012 Yesterday I was at my local SAMS buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the wonder dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the "Purina Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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