Daddy Dee Posted June 8, 2008 Author Share Posted June 8, 2008 some people want to achieve immortality through their work... ...I'd like to achieve immortality, by not dying. --Woody Allen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?' The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.' The 2 main lessons from this story are: 1. Don't ever waste your ammunition. And most importantly........ 2. Don't mess with old people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 Thought For The Day Handle every stressful situation like a dog.If you can’t eat it or hump it. Pi$$ on it and walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 OK what do you do with a dog with no legs??? Take it for a drag!!! what do you call a cow with no legs??? Ground beef! What do you call a cow thats had an abortion?? Decafinated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sean5340 Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.' Harry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldbuckster Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 He who plays alone, .............. plays with himself !!! .................... EH !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sean5340 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... Scared the s..t out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Old Mule A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made ninety-eight dollar profit. "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Just a bit of humor Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ____________________________________ ______________ THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. __________________________________________________ Republican's Answer: BANG! __________________________________________________ Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?' Son: "Can I shoot the next one!" Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist Harry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 A "Hangover" from the Schlitz thread: Do you know why cavemen drug their women by the hair? They fill up if you drag them by the feet!! Harry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 A "Hangover" from the Schlitz thread: Do you know why cavemen drug their women by the hair? They fill up if you drag them by the feet!! Harry Ohhhhh! I guess they were the very first back Hoe's.....(rim shot please) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Most excellent, bender! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Why thank you Mr. Fini!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Last years "Hide and Seek" Champion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallette Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Bartender says "Hey, Blackbeard, doesn't that steering wheel sticking out of your crotch bother you?" "Ahhrrg, Matey" says the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts." Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Bartender says "Hey, Blackbeard, doesn't that steering wheel sticking out of your crotch bother you?" "Ahhrrg, Matey" says the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts." Dave REPEAT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt1stcav Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 "Women are like pianos...when they're not upright, they're grand!" ~Benny Hill~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 with all due respect to Fini, this looks like something Coytee might try ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, And in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this.' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? ”I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.