Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know.... "if I can still mow the lawn." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Bob is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Bob! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Bob and says "Nice to see you, Bob. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Bob "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Bob and says "A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Bob follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Bob have it with both barrels.At this, the cabby looks at Bob and says.... "Sure looks like you upset one of the girls tonight, Bob!" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Hey Groomy....shouldn't you be out in the shop sanding some speakers or something!!!!!! Too cold for doing veneer glue on the $200 C's, my brother!!.... just listening to different old tunes on the tube amp, drinking coffee, cleaning up the kitchen, peeling taters, and getting ready to make a "glazed pork loin". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!!!." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash!!!" The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a box of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted..... [:#] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied...... "Breakfast." [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says, "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies..... "I don't know, it was some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said...... "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you?" After thinking for a short while he replied..... "Could you hold my camel?" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies.... "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." [:S] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Lil Johnny playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicks a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. Lil Johnny says.... "Mom, do you want me to tell him or should you?" [:#] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The doctor explained that there were no wires and the machine was specially programmed to send the pain by some radio waves, etc. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that could cause it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 This one is so bad it's funny!!!!!!! There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. mama mole asks Baby mole what he smelled. Baby mole said... "The only thing I could smell was molasses." [:#] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John said, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie..... "But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" [Y] 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied......... "I can't remember where I live!" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the groin and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?" The doctor replied," We're going to have to put your genitals in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's my honeymoon." The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it." Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her clothes and says, "No man has ever seen me naked before." The man says..... "Don't worry honey, mine's still in the crate!" [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 There was new bride who was a bit embarrassed and did not want everyone in the hotel to know she was a "honeymooner". So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married for a while. He responded, "Sure..... "You carry the suitcases!" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A blonde was making out with a guy in her bedroom and the phone rang. She got up and went in living room to answer it, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He said he's over at your house playing poker with you." [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" [<)] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A guy meets a blonde out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how wasI?'' She says, ''Well.... "you can take anything from the bottom shelf.'' [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 The power of observation..... A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed..... "that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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