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Daddy Dee
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Old Guys Are Helpful..


I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

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Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, , or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a 'shite?

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The Top Ten Reasons
Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
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You may have heard about the new face-lift procedure that allows people to adjust (tighten) their lift, once the initial tightness has relaxed. The trials period for this did produce some interesting results. And some problems. The procedure leaves you with a small knob at the base of your skull, that can be loosened or tightened, much like a ratcheting hard hat strap.

One of the first people to undergo the procedure was a woman that I'll call "Mary". She left her surgeon's office promising to call for an appointment if there were any unusual effects... After a week or so, when the swelling had gone down, Mary felt that her face was somewhat slack, and decided to ratchet her results up a notch. She was pleased with the results, but soon felt her face going slack again, and ratcheted her face lift one more notch; tighter. After having done this a number of times, she developed some swelling under her eyes that wouldn't go away no matter how much she tightened her lift, and decided to call her surgeon.

Mary's surgeon was horrified when he saw her, suggesting that she should have come in much sooner, and also that she may have done some permanent damage to her face. He explained "That swelling under your eyes is NOT a result of your procedure, but rather is a result of severe over-tightening. You see, Mary, those are actually your breasts!"

"My goodness!", she exclaimed. "Well that explains my goatee!!!"

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A Blonde in the Baptist Church!

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that
I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third
pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

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Random Thoughts for the Day: Feb 19, 2010

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ) but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 9-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..


20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

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DO YOU LOOK OLD???

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT BUTT,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT SON-OF-A-WITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???
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It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Marshall , and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is conducting business today.

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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

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QUALIFICATIONS

In

a University of Michigan classroom, they were discussing the

qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple,

the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.




However, one girl in the class

immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born

citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many

capable individuals from becoming president.




The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit

the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural

born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by

C-section?"

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Drunk Driving...only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

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A Muslim arrives in Heaven !!!


Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


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