Groomlakearea51 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 ... and a couple more to "fini" up Friday's "fini funny" session! An old drunk was staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. That is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp" .... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she f*rts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you f*rted just touching it, you're gonna cr*p your pants when you hear what the price is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 and just for dtel..... A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying" YOU'VE GOT MAIL.... [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 ... and some interesting observations and questions for the enquiring mind...... Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. What if there were no hypothetical questions? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? What was the best thing before sliced bread? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mighty Favog Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I was brought here by my Russian Chauffeur, Mr. Pickup Andropoff.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 A man seeking to join a Florida sheriff's department is being interviewed by the Sheriff. The Sheriff says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six rapists, six child molesters, six meth dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit. " "Why the rabbit?" asked the applicant. "Great attitude", says the Sheriff. "When can you start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 A young man was "eying" a beutiful women in a local bar. The woman, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I will "scr*w anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.' His eyes now wide with interest, the young man responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?' No offense to attorneys!!! it's just funny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mighty Favog Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 A young man was "eying" a beutiful women in a local bar. The woman, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I will "scr*w anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.' His eyes now wide with interest, the young man responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?' No offense to attorneys!!! it's just funny!!! Since I work for a few thousand of them I think it's VERY funny... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted January 14, 2009 Moderators Share Posted January 14, 2009 This is my favorite nonviolent thread ! [Y][][] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 This is my favorite nonviolent thread ! That could change.........[] My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station... And then the fight started.... [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 and..... When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf " Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Betcha' didn't see that one coming!!!![H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dkp Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 A blind man is led into the local watering hole by his seeing-eye-dog. He ambles up to the bar, leans on the counter and orders a drink. As the bartender is pouring his drink he notices the man swinging the dog around above his head. He sits the drink down and asks the blind man, "What on earth are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just lookin' around." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Now that's funny!!!!!!!![Y] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the Newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted January 20, 2009 Moderators Share Posted January 20, 2009 [] Not what I expected ![] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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