Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 SPECIAL FOR DTEL!!!!! A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more very large, dead alligators. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had really bad dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him "Head and Shoulders." The other blonde then replies...... "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your butt!" [:S] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Another Dtel alert.... A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said....... "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 One of my favorites... a law enforcement officer's dream.... A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said...... "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 another policeman's nightmare.... A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119". [au] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells..... "POTATOES!" Betcha' didn't see that one comin!!!![H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 The Warning Signs of Insanity...Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion. You collect dead windowsill flies. Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" You like cats. Especially with mayo. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. Melba toast excites you. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears." You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough) People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry. You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox. You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi. You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them. The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My son just walked in and asked me why I was posting a joke on the forum. I told him Mr. Fini and Buddy's grandpa (dtel) need these things to keep them sane..... So.... he says why don't you tell them my favorite jokes. Here we go - the current favorites for 10 year olds.... Use-em on your kids!!! Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A. He wanted cold hard cash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? A. "Is that you mommy?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Q. Why did the tomato turn red? A. It saw the salad dressing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 ... and my favorite..... Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A. A buccaneer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Now back to some of the "betcha' did not see that one coming" category..... As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year". Curious, John asks, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds,.... "Tonight's the night!" [<)] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you are really the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see you with no clothes on". Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the heck - a hundred bucks! So she opens her robe and shows him her body for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was amazing I've got to see you again. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see again, but for a few moments longer." Sara, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says.... "Great! Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy some beer. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to see if the bartender will sell him a sixpack to go. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. The wife looks at his hands and says...... "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Hey Groomy....shouldn't you be out in the shop sanding some speakers or something!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for sex there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you... "I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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