fenderbender Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 This is a true family story, My Dad , much to the annoyance of his mother told this story every chance he got. When My dad was a boy , his parents went on a three week NY to LA road trip...Mind you this was the 50's, summer time, no a/c , two lane blacktop the whole way. Now his parents were orthodox jews, meaning that they only ate kosher food and needed to travel with most of there food in a cooler as they didn't know where they could find kosher prepared food on the road. here's the scene...somewhere in the southwest......stuck in horrible traffic 105 degrees..crawling for miles. My dad described that they were moving so slow that five cars in both directions had conversations with one another......now my Dad rummages through the cooler in the back seat for some food, and in doing so takes out and forgets to put back, a jar of pickled eggs, and a jar of borscht (beet soup) and leaves them on the back window sill. Now my grandmother is strait off the boat eastern european......and she is very very nervous about the Indians who have gathered roadside to try to peddle their wares . She kept complaining they should roll up the windows, they looked angry, didn't we steal their land?, they looked so hot! On and On she grew more and more Paranoid ....... and it became the topic of conversation at least 10 cars in each direction about "the crazy old jewish lady afraid of the indians! Here's the pay off......the jars of Borscht and eggs, proped on the rear window, had hit critical mass!!! they exploded with a bang, hitting my grandmother in the head with an egg, and covering her with borscht!!! She started to scream..."the indians are attacking, the indians are attacking...I've been hit with a tomahack!!! and she opens the car door and runs down the road screaming her head off....... Needless to say people were falling out of their cars laughing.....she finally came back 15 min later...but the worst was they were still in stand still traffic.....the story had passed from car to car and even an hour later a new car would ask" hey did you here about.....notice the car covered in red soup and the embarrassment would start again. Ah Good ole Granma Roie...Rest in peace..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Three men are waiting for their tee time...Father , son , And Grandfather. A beautiful blond walks up to them and asks "Mind if we make it a foursome" We insist the three men answered in unison. They all tee off, and at the first green the blond is laying about 20 feet from making Par. She says in a sexy voice " I will give "oral favors" to the one who helps me make this putt . The son say's ...." your laying a little bit to the right" the Father say's ...." no, your laying way to the left" The grandfather drops his pants around his knees and says " cant you two idiots tell a gimme when you see one!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 On the news yesterday, a man with his golf shirt pulled up to his nose tried to rob a convenience store by brandishing a large palm frond, almost a small palm tree, at the cashier. Another employee chased him out of the store while aiming the legs of a barstool at him. He was caught outside and charged with armed robbery. No joke, it really was on the news! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skonopa Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 The farmer sold his neighbor a mule for $500. Unfortunatly about a week later, the mule died. However, the farmer felt bad and offered to give the $500 back, but the neighbor told him not to worry. The farmer asked why not and the farmer indicated that he made $498 in profit from the dead mule. The farmer was perplexed and asked his neighbor how he managed to do that. The neighbor indicated that he held a raffle at the fair the past weekend. He printed up 500 tickets and sold them all for $2 each. The winner complained that the mule was dead so he gave him his $2 back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungkiman Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 At the grocery store today, I noticed a younger, attractive, woman sneaking glances at me. When we passed each other in the produce section, she called me by name, and suggested she hadn't seen me in some time! She looked familiar, but I didn't place it until she suggested "I think you are the father of one of my children" !?! I panicked... I had only ever been with my wife, except for the night before I got married... This wasn't good. "Are you one of the strippers, from my bachelor party, that tied me to the couch? Are you the one that spanked me, and humiliated me, before having forced, unprotected, sex with me, while I was restrained?" "Goodness no!", she said,"I'm your son's teacher!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darylomer12 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 The farmer sold his neighbor a mule for $500. Unfortunatly about a week later, the mule died. However, the farmer felt bad and offered to give the $500 back, but the neighbor told him not to worry. The farmer asked why not and the farmer indicated that he made $498 in profit from the dead mule. The farmer was perplexed and asked his neighbor how he managed to do that. The neighbor indicated that he held a raffle at the fair the past weekend. He printed up 500 tickets and sold them all for $2 each. The winner complained that the mule was dead so he gave him his $2 back! That was awesome!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungkiman Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Ooops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 "my dog has no nose" How does he smell??? "awful !!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I was wondering why my wife seems to get upset at little things so often, especially those little things that I find to be funny, convenient to do, etc. She gave me the "look", and replied, "It's because you men never get depressed". Curious.., I asked her why us men folk never get depressed. Another scalding look..., and she said, " You men are just happier, but what can we women expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You know stuff about stereos and televisions. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder you are happier." Being a simple man, I just gave her a kiss and went back to listening to my Klipschorns...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago ….. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, OprahWinfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They areasking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to dousethem with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'About a gallon.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Q: Why do blondes like convertibles? A: More legroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWL Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 More legroom. Top Notch ******* [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 More legroom. Top Notch ******* [6][6][6] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 How do you drown a blonde?? throw a mirror in the pool.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Here's a few audiophile jokes - I've got lots of 'em... Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Amar Bose is walking down the street when he sees Paul Klipsch on the other side. Cupping his hands around his mouth he shouts, "Hey Klipsch, are you still making those terrible loudspeakers?" Klipsch turns towards the wall and mumbles, "Yes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Two Audiopiles browsing around in a high end store. One of 'em is inspecting a beautiful pair of Audio Note Gaku-On mono bloc power amplifiers, salivating while running his hand over the exquisite chassis… Other Audiopile says, my wife gave me an ultimatum, she said "If you buy those I am leaving!!!" The other guy stops stroking the speaker and asks:"So what happened, did you compromise?" "We-e-e-e-e-ll", with a bit of a sigh, "I still miss her sometimes, especially while listening to them and my whisky glass is empty…." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Two audio experts, one from Circuit City and one from Bose, are walking down the street. They notice, over on a porch, a dog licking his "privates." The Circuit City guy laments to his buddy, "Man, I wish I could do that." The Bose man replies, "I do too, but I'm afraid he might bite me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 An audiophile was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The audiophile took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the audiophile took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The audiophile said, "Look I'm an audiophile. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th,then the 7th, then the 6th and the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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