Quarterback!

[neo33]

Al Davis has put together the perfect Raiders team for the '98-'99 season. The only thing he's missing is a super bowl caliber quarterback. Jeff George has been too inconsistent. He has scouted all the colleges, and even high schools, but can't seem to find a ringer quarterback and all of the best ones were taken in the draft by other teams.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war-torn zone in a third-world country. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away -- KA-BOOM! Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- KA-BLOOEY! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings the soldier to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young quarterback breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young quarterback is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback:

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mom," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight..." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"