Todays Joke

[customsteve01]

Only a Texan could think of this .... from the County where drunk

driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so

intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the

parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different

vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. -- -- He

sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar

and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a

fine, dry summer night) -- -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a

couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. --He

moved the vehicle forward a few inche! s, reversed a little and then

remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron

vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the

parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started

up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the

man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the

breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having

consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll

have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer

equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated

decoy."

Steve

[FlyingV]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[FlyingV]

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now

be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one

year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the cans for the 10-cent deposit (some states), you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily

and recycle. This is a new retirement program, I call it the 401 Keg.