An Audiophiles Guide to Fingernails

[thebes]

One of mankind's greatest tools, fashion statement, and all around great invention.

Great for hanging on with, grow them out into bizarre curlycue's if you are a Mandarin, cut them short if you are a typist, grow them longer if you play a guitar. Use the little pinky one if you have a bad habit, the one on the forefinger comes in handy for cleaning out the attic while stuck in traffic. Better than a wet rag for getting rid of spots of paint, you can't have a itchy back without them.

At some point you have to clip them. Danger, danger. Hide, bury or flush them lest the Shakespearean witches plop them into a cauldron, with a bit of newt and hair of gnat, and one or two incantation later you're hopping through a pond looking for a pincess. But clip you must. The question is what do you leave?

Me, a normal clip except the left side of the right thumb, which is left to grow longer.

Why?

For popping cherries of course. Yes you guessed it. That sublime moment when you run that finger down the shrink wrap of some virgin vinyl. Sealed for decades but now revealing it's hidden secrets to a probing finger nail.

For some reason I have over 200 sealed, not new issue, records, mostly from the 80's. Time to shrink the backlog. One a day will take over six months but I'm prepared for the long haul. Vitamins, change of clothes, Emory board, and some lovely ladies to soak and clean the cuticles. Just so I can take that slow sensual slit along the right-hand side of an albums skirt.

When a flower blooms you may, or may not, like the smell. The same with virgin vinyl. Time to find out if stamina, and perseverance holds a reward. Well, heck, it always has before.

First batch:

Alan Parsons, "Eye in the Sky" (Me likeum)

Johny Guitar Watson, "Love Jones" (works for me)

Smokey Robinson, "Ses It's You Lady" (magical talent wasted on this one)

Stray Cats, "Rant n' Rave" (rockabilly meets garage rock with mixed results)

Sergio Mendes, self titled (more gas than heat)

ConFunkShun "7" (more shun than funk)

The Ritchie Family, "Brazil" (been there, this ain't it)

Grace Slick, "Dreams" (I'm a fan)

And so it goes, more reports to follow.

In the meantime what have you been using your nails for?

[oldtimer]

Slow sensual slit sounds good to me, but what is this about fingernails?

[ZAKO]

Since I whear flipflops my toenails are a fashion statement.

[jtnfoley]

Ahhh... The great Thebsian, master of the sublime, eloquent, and insane. I really dig these threads! []

[Lime Twig]

When I worked in a record store and had to constantly open records, I was taught the "friction trick" to save my aching cuticles.

Quickly rub the edge of the record back and forth against your thigh. After a few seconds the plastic will have heated to the point that you can simply pull it apart with your fingers. A vinyl party trick!

[jacksonbart]

When I worked in a record store and had to constantly open records, I was taught the "friction trick" to save my aching cuticles.

Quickly rub the edge of the record back and forth against your thigh. After a few seconds the plastic will have heated to the point that you can simply pull it apart with your fingers. A vinyl party trick!

Works twice as well if your rub it back and forth between your thighs, but you might notice people flooding out of the room and a black and white car with flashing lights outside.

[oldtimer]

Ask JB how he knows....

[gnatnoop]

One of mankind's greatest tools, fashion statement, and all around great invention.

Great for hanging on with, grow them out into bizarre curlycue's if you are a Mandarin, cut them short if you are a typist, grow them longer if you play a guitar. Use the little pinky one if you have a bad habit, the one on the forefinger comes in handy for cleaning out the attic while stuck in traffic. Better than a wet rag for getting rid of spots of paint, you can't have a itchy back without them.

At some point you have to clip them. Danger, danger. Hide, bury or flush them lest the Shakespearean witches plop them into a cauldron, with a bit of newt and hair of gnat, and one or two incantation later you're hopping through a pond looking for a pincess. But clip you must. The question is what do you leave?

Me, a normal clip except the left side of the right thumb, which is left to grow longer.

Why?

For popping cherries of course. Yes you guessed it. That sublime moment when you run that finger down the shrink wrap of some virgin vinyl. Sealed for decades but now revealing it's hidden secrets to a probing finger nail.

For some reason I have over 200 sealed, not new issue, records, mostly from the 80's. Time to shrink the backlog. One a day will take over six months but I'm prepared for the long haul. Vitamins, change of clothes, Emory board, and some lovely ladies to soak and clean the cuticles. Just so I can take that slow sensual slit along the right-hand side of an albums skirt.

When a flower blooms you may, or may not, like the smell. The same with virgin vinyl. Time to find out if stamina, and perseverance holds a reward. Well, heck, it always has before.

First batch:

Alan Parsons, "Eye in the Sky" (Me likeum)

Johny Guitar Watson, "Love Jones" (works for me)

Smokey Robinson, "Ses It's You Lady" (magical talent wasted on this one)

Stray Cats, "Rant n' Rave" (rockabilly meets garage rock with mixed results)

Sergio Mendes, self titled (more gas than heat)

ConFunkShun "7" (more shun than funk)

The Ritchie Family, "Brazil" (been there, this ain't it)

Grace Slick, "Dreams" (I'm a fan)

And so it goes, more reports to follow.

In the meantime what have you been using your nails for?

your mama dropped on your head as a wee infant yes? [H]

gnat <--- running and ducking

[thebes]

When I worked in a record store and had to constantly open records, I was taught the "friction trick" to save my aching cuticles.

Quickly rub the edge of the record back and forth against your thigh. After a few seconds the plastic will have heated to the point that you can simply pull it apart with your fingers. A vinyl party trick!

It works! Amazing! Who woulda thought.

Only one small problemo. I was wearing crepe pants at the time and now I've singed off all my luxurious thigh hair. To bad, because I was holding onto that hair awaiting future scientific developments which would have allowed it to be transplanted to the top of my head. I was to celebrate the breakthrough by changing my name to Kinky Thebes (and also in honor of my hero Kinky Freedman.

Oh well, I did open up

The Dazz Band, "Keep it Live" and,

Pat Metheny, "New Chautaqua" before the flames erupted.

I'll keep you posted.

[Lime Twig]

I should have mentioned that the technique is only advisable with jeans.

My condolences for your loss, Thebes, though listening to enough Dazz Band should qualify your re-christening as "Kinky T" with or without hair.

[oldtimer]

There is so much wrong in this world.

[thebes]

I should have mentioned that the technique is only advisable with jeans.

Now you tell me. Dern newbies (crotchety, mumble, mutter).

Now as far as the Dazz Band, the first track talks about whip me baby, which I'm given to understand is a sexual reference. Seems like I may, or may, not like this one.

Next up for the rubbing of thighs treatment:

Doug Kershaw, "Flip, Flop and Fly" (sounds like the Bush Adminstration), and

Motels, "Careful"