m00n Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff, too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Champagne taste beer budget Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Great one, m00n. I'm scared to think of how many of us here would be in the same boat, but afraid to admit it. Surely there are some very athletic, in shape guys here, but to be honest, I get most of my excercise by lifting weights 12 oz at a time or trying to muscle a 2 hp router around a piece of maple. I should add, i my own defense, I DO walk a lot in the shop during the day, do a lot of deep knee bends, (dropping tools), vertical ab crunches, (bending over the grill on a pick up for two hours changing a water pump), and other assorted things that most people that have a decent desk job wouldn't have to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Thanks for the laughter Moon, I really needed that! ANy part of it true? Michael Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted March 2, 2005 Author Share Posted March 2, 2005 Ha.. no.. well, it's not my diary anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyattearp Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 TOO funny! I'm sitting here just laughing at my 'puter! You should send that to the Reader's Digest or somethin'.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted March 2, 2005 Moderators Share Posted March 2, 2005 Very funny but moon i have a very hard time trying to get my wife to read any post by you because she almost ruined the stool she was sitting on while looking for a ghost . lol i laughed for 10 min which did not help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
customsteve01 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 m00n, you made me think of this story. I bet most of you have read it before but it a clasic. Notes From An Inexperienced (Yankee) Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili. JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili. JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili. JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic. JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. sweetie is starting to look as HOT as this nuclear waste I'm eating. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover. JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety. JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili. JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili. JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Judge #3 looks worse not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: (Judge Ones notation: Frank unconscious and unable to vote at this time). Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinr Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 LOL!!!!!!!!! You guys are nuts... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 ---------------- On 3/2/2005 11:17:12 PM dtel wrote: Very funny but moon i have a very hard time trying to get my wife to read any post by you because she almost ruined the stool she was sitting on while looking for a ghost . lol i laughed for 10 min which did not help. ---------------- You must be talking about a post I made a long time ago yes? yeah... oh yeah... Those are great. I was sitting here at work when I got to experiance that. Had my headphones on, staring at the screen. That damn face came up, my head phones got thrown across the cube, I fell out of my chair and screamed like a 6 year old church girl. Immediatly I shared that with others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdm56 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Moon, As soon as I quit laughing, I've gotta send that to my sweet thang. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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