Marvel Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Marvel is right and so are you. It mainly depends on the type of woman you end up with. Some women can not accept that a man will treat her right. I mean let's face it, men do not have the best reputation when it comes to understanding women. In the alternative, even the most "in tune" man wouldn't be able to understand the way some women think. All is not doom and gloom. You guys need to start thinking about yourselves just a little. Yes, put the woman on a pedestal, but remember you need to stand right beside her, wherever she may be standing. Of course, this is all just my opinion. After 28 years of marriage I figured some of my thoughts may be relevant. Christy, I wouldn't claim to have ever figured out how Barbara's thinking went. [] There were times we were so in tune though. I never put her on a pedestal, as we were always trying to face things together. Sometimes I didn't stand beside her as much as I wanted or should have. As we are all different, it IS just your opinion, just like it has been MY opinion. Sometimes a glimpse of light shines through. ROb, Got the email. Figured I'd let it rest a few days. Been swamped at work and not had much time to think. Next Wed. is the six month mark since Barbara passed away, and I've been thinking about how quickly the time has passed. Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Wow... Good for you! Did you have any company with you? Also, there is absolutly no reason to feel sorry. Believe it or not... I went with her, as friends, at her request. Condition was we didn't talk about it at all, and no attempts at winning anyone back. It's much harder than it sounds, and as one friend told me... it takes balls. I pulled it off, even if it didn't change anything except earn myself some respect. First I want to say that I'm not trying to be mean and disrespectful to you, I'm going to be brutely honest with you because you have always been a very stand up guy and I respect you and I've felt your pain.... That said, I'm going to be the friend here that slaps the piss out of you and hopefully wakes you up.. Dood. I don't want to hear about gaining self respect... not this way, you acomplish it in other ways. Your trip with her didn't gain you any self respect, that simply prolonged and shoved the pain right into your face. You got nothing out of the deal and she got her trip to Cuba, please tell me that she at least paid for her half. She just ripped your heart out of your chest and tap danced on it with golf shoes, why reward her with taking her to Cuba? Yes, I know you guys already had it planned... Hey, plans change! If you want to gain self respcet, you will NOT show your weekness in front of her, you will show her that you don't need her, you will show her that you can live without her. It's humiliating to do nothing less. You're not friends, you're exes - she broke your heart and you feel like hell because of HER. There is NO reason to be friends. I know the socially correct thing is to tell you, hey, you guys can still be friends. I challenge you to give me one good reason why you should. Maybe in a year or so when the pain stops but not right now. Trying to be friends by having coffee with her, telephone calls and what not is not gaining your self repsect. F that dood. You're main objective right now Rob is to stop the pain, and taking her to Cuba, calling, causual get togethers is not going to help, you must stop this at all costs. As painfull and hard as it is, you have to get back out there and find the inner strength to meet new people and at least casual dating. DO NOT be a pvssy Rob. I know you're thinking to yourself "yeah m00n what ever, it's easy for you to sit back and give me a lecture when you're doing fine"... And you would be correct, it is easy for me, but don't forget, I've been where you are.it's so easy for me to sit back and be hard on you. When I was in the Navy, I married a gal, to make a long story short, she started cheating on me, not with guys just on other ships, but with guys on my own ship. One of my best friends came to me one day and said "Rick, you HAVE to get rid of this girl, people are laughing at you". I'll never forget that day and that conversation. I took his advice and left her that day and divorced her. It was very difficult, but I did it and I felt much better about myself. It's maddening, I know, I've been there. I don't want to be a thread hijacker so I won't go into the details, but I've been there. It's honestly eating me alive. I can't get my mind off him, if she's announced the news, if they are hanging, and if she'll ever tell anyone the actual thing that made her decide to leave? I know I should think about myself, but my mind just keeps coming back to that. I know! There is not a gawd damn thing you can do about it either. But do know, you have a choice. You can sit and dewell on it, or you can put it behind you and go find someone else. Again, I know, easier said that done. As I mentioned Rob, I'm not being hard on you because I don't like you or because I'm an insensitive prick, (well ok maybe I am [], I'm being hard on you because I do like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deang Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 It is what it is -- an act of betrayal. Viewing it as anything but that is self deception. I'm pretty much with m00n here on this one. Sever all ties. What you need to do now is get into a shipping lane where everyone has their compasses intact, using the same map, and heading in the same direction. Give your life to God, and ask him to bring you a life partner -- a soul mate. Don't waste another minute of your life wandering around out in the ocean, waiting on "fate" to bring port into site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
formica Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 I don't want to hear about gaining self respect... not this way, you acomplish it in other ways. Your trip with her didn't gain you any self respect, that simply prolonged and shoved the pain right into your face. I hear what you are saying... and I'll be the first to admit that I'm a nice guy (down to the bone) who realises that people take advantage of me. In other words... I know where I stand, and choose to do things consciously. When I say I gained respect, it was in the line of showing strength, courage, and self-control. Had I not gone, it would have only given her the feeling that I was so devastated that I couldn't go on living and she would have gone alone. I guess that I wanted to make sure in my heart that when she'll look back at our 6yrs, she'll be hard pressed to find fault with me. It's really a personal satisfaction thing... You got nothing out of the deal and she got her trip to Cuba, please tell me that she at least paid for her half. yeah... we each paid are share. We always had separate expense accounts, that way I could buy all the Heritage I wanted and she, all the cloths her heart desired. No fights then, and in hindsight, simplifies life now to. She just ripped your heart out of your chest and tap danced on it with golf shoes, why reward her with taking her to Cuba? True and it definitely su¢ks... Part of me realises that she got a lot more out of our relationship than she put back in. I treated her like a queen and expected nothing in return... so that is what I got. (that is one of your points right?) you will show her that you don't need her, you will show her that you can live without her. IMHO, I don't even have to show her... because I honestly don't need her or anyone else. I'm one of those people who enjoys others, but I don't NEED others. I did tell her before she left that we have never been just friends, and I honestly don't see us being just friends. We were a couple and that's who we were. I agree with you on that one Rick, and I don't want pretend to be "just friends" to hang on to the hope that she'll change her mind. We have not spoken or written since our return. I do miss the companionship alot though...and it's not easily replaced. I never really thought about a year down the road... but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. As painfull and hard as it is, you have to get back out there and find the inner strength to meet new people and at least casual dating.... You can sit and dewell on it, or you can put it behind you and go find someone else. Again, I know, easier said that done. Unfortunately it comes back to the previous fact that I've never needed others, and therefore find myself alone, without the circle of friends to help get things kick-started. Having survived this once before, and starting from exactly the same point, I'm confident that I'll do well for myself even though I feel like sh!t now. This second experience has also showed me that you can never figure that "it'll never happen to us". At least experience has brought me something. I'm being hard on you because I do like you. Don't get all soft on me now... [] thanks... ROb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel's wife Posted June 23, 2006 Moderators Share Posted June 23, 2006 Marvel is right and so are you. It mainly depends on the type of woman you end up with. Some women can not accept that a man will treat her right. I mean let's face it, men do not have the best reputation when it comes to understanding women. In the alternative, even the most "in tune" man wouldn't be able to understand the way some women think. All is not doom and gloom. You guys need to start thinking about yourselves just a little. Yes, put the woman on a pedestal, but remember you need to stand right beside her, wherever she may be standing. Of course, this is all just my opinion. After 28 years of marriage I figured some of my thoughts may be relevant. Christy, I wouldn't claim to have ever figured out how Barbara's thinking went. [] There were times we were so in tune though. That's the beauty of true love. Sometimes you are one and sometimes you are two. I never put her on a pedestal, as we were always trying to face things together. Sometimes I didn't stand beside her as much as I wanted or should have. Just to clarify what I meant...treat the one you love as though he/she was the most special thing in the world to you, however remember you are just as special. I am sure Barbara understood your not standing beside her at all times. If Elden always stood behind me and never questioned my thoughts, feelings or motives I would never grow. My emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth in the last 28 years could not have happened if Elden would have backed me up everytime he wanted to. I hope this makes sense in some way. And yes, there are times that I wish he would do a better job of standing beside me and backing me up, but have never once regretted that he didn't. Even recently there have been several issues that I just "blew my cool" over and wondered where I stood in his life. However, after several hours/days/weeks of discussion I realized that "my way" wasn't the "best way" to handle everything. On the other hand, if I feel my position is right I would fight to the bitter end. As we are all different, it IS just your opinion, just like it has been MY opinion. Sometimes a glimpse of light shines through. ROb, Got the email. Figured I'd let it rest a few days. Been swamped at work and not had much time to think. Next Wed. is the six month mark since Barbara passed away, and I've been thinking about how quickly the time has passed. Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel's wife Posted June 23, 2006 Moderators Share Posted June 23, 2006 It is what it is -- an act of betrayal. Viewing it as anything but that is self deception. I'm pretty much with m00n here on this one. Sever all ties. The trip is over. You did your duty as a gentleman and all around nice guy. What you need to do know is get into a shipping lane where everyone has their compasses intact, using the same map, and heading in the same direction. Give your life to God, and ask him to bring you a life partner -- a soul mate. Don't waste another minute of your life wandering around out in the ocean, waiting on "fate" to bring port into site. IMO, this is the best advice yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Rob ... I want to mail ( email) you an E-Book ... do you think your Email provider can support na pretty good sized PDF. file ..?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 As far as the trip to Cuba goes, as long as you did get something out of it fine, I was just concerned that you took her because you were hoping to respark something. I still think that if it were me, I'd have gone alone, with someone else or just not gone at all and got my money back (if I could). Just keep remembering that YOU are the victim, not her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 mOOn ...... too bad you live 3500 mi away, dude .. we could be fast friends ... the Only reason I'm tryin' to get by with my "wife" is ... she's never paid for ANYTHING in the last 14 years ... I ... have absolutely Nothing to gain by Divorce.......[] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 how old are you , Rob ...?? i mean, I have given this alotta thought, lately, seein' as it's gonna cost me BIG near as I can tell, this is a Virus 45 y/o women get on a job i'm workin' on ...EVERYONE is damn right smack in the middle of this the Building Super is gettin boned by his wife, he's 52 the Painter, 49 the Floor guy ,47 Me .. the mechanical guy ., 51 the Electrician, 46 thy're All nice guy's .. hell, the Super's wife moved out 5 years ago, and he's worried her Boyfriend ain't treating her right ....[:@] he's trying to sell the house, since his kid's moved out, he can't afford it by himself of course, she's gonna get half, even tho she never paid for Anything there it's just ... everybody i work with, that's 45/50 Y/O hey .... the plummer's young, 23 .. his girlfriend .... don't know this stuff, yet ....[] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 hey .... the plummer's young, 23 .. his girlfriend .... don't know this stuff, yet ....[] That's almost funny, Duke. Rob and I were talking and many relationships don't make it past the five year mark. Barbara and I didn't either, but we remarried. So after 33 years, the loss hurts. Moving on from THAT is really hard, but most days are getting better. Bruce Gotta get out of here. Junior Brown starts in 35 minutes. What a hoot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I'm totally screwed. I'm 47 and never married. The younger ones wouldn't want me. Women my age are all divorced twice and bitter, or just plain evil. You guys and your experiences don't give marriage a very good name. So I'm better just living out the rest of my short miserable existence solo, is that all there is? I guess I should count my lucky stars that I never had to hand over HALF or lose my kids that I never had..... M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I'm totally screwed. I'm 47 and never married. The younger ones wouldn't want me. Women my age are all divorced twice and bitter, or just plain evil. You guys and your experiences don't give marriage a very good name. No way. We hit a bump along the way, but I wouldn't have traded Barbara for anyone else. I know plenty of guys who are married to their first love, and quite happy about. And they are older than you are! So I'm better just living out the rest of my short miserable existence solo, is that all there is? Michael, that sounds pitiful. Lots of older, single women, who would love a husband ... to beat up on, cheat on... JUST KIDDING! I guess I should count my lucky stars that I never had to hand over HALF or lose my kids that I never had..... Both sides have to work at it, but knowing that going in is a great help. You can't change your spouse and she can't change you. Once that is understood, you work on the details. Or you overlook them because they aren't that important to begin with. It may be complex, but couples have been woriking this out for a long time. If it's different these days then we all need to work to change it back. M By the way, I did go see Junior Brown tonight. Free concert downtown. He is one smokin' guitar player. Played over one and a half hours with no breaks and barely talked between songs. Then did some encores. Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Amy Posted June 24, 2006 Moderators Share Posted June 24, 2006 I'm totally screwed. I'm 47 and never married. The younger ones wouldn't want me. Women my age are all divorced twice and bitter, or just plain evil. You guys and your experiences don't give marriage a very good name. So I'm better just living out the rest of my short miserable existence solo, is that all there is? I guess I should count my lucky stars that I never had to hand over HALF or lose my kids that I never had..... M Hey colter, You, or any other guy on this forum is absolutely totally NOT screwed. My mother divorced at 32, remarried at 45. She was neither bitter nor evil, and came complete with two wonderful children [], who absolutely adore their stepfather. My grandmother was married to the same man until he passed away for 50 + years....she remarried at 75 to another generous and loving man. My point is, there's never a time to throw in the towel. True friendship/partnership/love, whatever you want to call it, is out there. I have horror stories of my own, but if happiness, either solo or duo, can find me, it can find any of you too. Hang in there. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldbuckster Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 If you act screwed, you will get screwed............Be Thankful you get up everyday, the cemeteries are full of people who would change places with you, given the choice.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 where's my Corvette, oldbuckster ....??? c'mon .... upstate's summer is short .....[] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 If you act screwed, you will get screwed............Be Thankful you get up everyday, the cemeteries are full of people who would change places with you, given the choice.......... Some might rather stay where they are now, I would think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldbuckster Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 where's my Corvette, oldbuckster ....??? c'mon .... upstate's summer is short .....[] If your serious E-Mail me, I've located 2 already, and other places to look, It's your money, not mine, you have to spend it, not me........................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldbuckster Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Who guarantees that life is easy????? Life is a big rollercoaster ride, You've got to have faith, Gentlemen........ Marvel, I don't understand what you mean, I hope it's not what I think you said, tell me I'm wrong..................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deang Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 LOL, I know what he meant -- and for some I believe he is right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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