Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.' [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Once there was a millionaire who lived in Florida and collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! ..... "I want the as*hole who pushed me in the pool!" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again....... "Just tell me what that turkey did!" [6] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A man is walking down the street and he sees Lil Johnny riding in a wagon. Johnny has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dog's n*ts. The man asks, "What are you doing!!". Johnny replies, "I'm playing ambulance". Feeling sorry for the dog, the man says, "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." Lil Johnny replies, "I know but.... "I wouldn't get the cool siren." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in from wives asking, "What trip?" [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door. [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar, and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" The timid man replied........ "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..." [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet tinstallation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out.... "Have you seen my parakeet?" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Bob came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Bob?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Bob sighed, "Ok.... Everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." The boss looked at him, obviously disappointed and said, "You'll have to do better than that, Jones,..... "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time.... I won't open the damn store!" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied...... "The balcony." [:|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said....... "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen." [:|][6] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!" [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, somewhat sarcastically, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The engineer pauses for a moment, and then says "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. Class dismissed.Just as everyone was leaving the classroom, a student walked up to the professor's desk and picked up the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is.... There is always room for BEER. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way...... "Take a clean dish." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a car that was speeding and weaving across lanes on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" [H] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies.... "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" [A] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.