for Fini

[Groomlakearea51]

Oh well.... Here ya' go!

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' So the guy rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting whenever he wanted, played golf a lot, drank beer with his rowdy friends whenever he wanted, joined a nudist health spa for singles, left the toilet seat up in his house, f*rted whenever he wanted, and lived hapily ever after.....

THE END

[Groomlakearea51]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Devil: 'Why so glum there buddy?'

Guy: 'Why do you think? I'm in hell!'

Devil: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love beer.'
Devil: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do. Everybody gets a keg and we drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Devil: 'You like cigars?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Devil: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Devil: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Devil: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays is poker day and you can gamble all you want. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Devil: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love a little "herb"! You don't mean...?'
Devil: 'That's right! Thursday is the day. Help yourself to a great big doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Devil: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No... why?'

Devil: 'Oooo boy, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

[dtel]

@

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty -year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life . For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Groomlakearea51]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to f*rt. The music is really loud, so you time your f*rts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize.....

You have been listening to your ipod.[]

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

And then the fight started..... Part-2

A man and his wife and were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. The husband then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes." So he said, "Then I can phone a friend"

And then the fight started....

[Groomlakearea51]

and....

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So he opened his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about the experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started.....

[Groomlakearea51]

....and

On a Saturday morning, a man got up early, quietly dressed, made lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." His wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ...

[Groomlakearea51]

A older woman is looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's durn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

[dtel]

Subject: Putting Your Affairs in Order

> > The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
affairs in order.'
> >
> > The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
>
> > 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to
the club and have a martini.'
> >
> > After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
> > There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
as to what the two were celebrating.
> >
> > The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
Impending end.

> > "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
> >
> > The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
> >
> > After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered,"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer,
and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS!

> > Why did you do that??"
> >
> > "Because I don't want any of those ******* sleeping
with your father after I'm gone."
> >
> > And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your
Affairs In Order..

[Groomlakearea51]

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Stop Sign? , But hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy without mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

[]

[Groomlakearea51]

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said,...

"Good! Got any grapes?"

[]

[Groomlakearea51]

In the "betcha' didn't see that comin" category....

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear............

"I'm freakin' freezing!!!!

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

[<)]

[Groomlakearea51]

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.

When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and an obviously crazy mean dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"

The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla's butt. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that crazy-mean dog will bite the gorilla in the n*ts. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"

The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, shoot the dog!"

[:#]

[Groomlakearea51]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We, well you know... scr*w them. Go and try it."

So he spent the rest of the morning scr*wing his little bunny heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

[]

[Groomlakearea51]

Political and social implications joke-de-jour....

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied......

"No, thank you!!!!... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

[:|]

[Groomlakearea51]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[]

[Groomlakearea51]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son, Little Johnny, playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you SOB's who want to get off, get the off now, because this is the last stop! All of you SOB's that are getting on, get your butts on the train cause were leaving". The mother was appalled, went in and told Li' Johnny, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language".

Two hours later, Lil Johnny comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

The mother is so pleased, and proud that finally Lil Johnny is behaving. As she was cherishing this moment, she hears a voice from the living room,....

"And for those of you who are p*ssed off with the two hour delay , please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[A]

[Groomlakearea51]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied....

"Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[]