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Daddy Dee
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?"

A Sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. Bartender says "Alright you can drink here, but you better not start anything."

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He says "One for me, one for the road."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assulted.

Two peices of string walk into a bar, bartender says "sorry, we don't serve strings." Determined, the strings try another bar. Same story. Finally one of the strings gets an idea. He unravels himself a bit on top, and ties himself in a not. He goes back to the first bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "aren't you that string I turned away earlier?" The string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him ...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did that just Poppin to your head?

Good thread, Dee! Thanks for the dedication!

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Man walks into a bar carring a Head. He puts the Head on the Bar, and says this is my Son who just turned 21, so Beers for Both of Us!

The Father helps his son drink the Beer, when Suddenly his son grows a body, and stands over 6' feet tall.

Suddenly his Son, falls over dead, the the Bartender Leans over the Bar and says " You should have quit when you were a Head"...............

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There was this Pirate, he had a steering wheel attached to his wang.
When he went into the bar nearby, the bartender said to him "hey there, you have a steering wheel attached to your wang!"
The Pirate replied, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"
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Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

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The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down and starts eating the bowl of peanuts on the bar.

The bartender looks at the monkey and thinks, “Oh well what’s a few peanuts.”
The monkey finishes the first bowl of nuts and goes to the next. The monkey’s owner pay’s no attention to what the monkey is doing.

Finally after the monkey has downed the fourth bowl and is hopping across the tables going from bowl to bowl. The bartender says, “ Hey mister, do you see what your pet monkey is doing? He’s eating everything in sight!”

The guy replies, “Don’t worry about it, just keep track of everything he eats and put it on my tab.”

The bartender calms down and thinks, “Well as long as I’m reimbursed no big deal.”

Finally the monkey cleans out the whole bar. He has eaten everything. The monkey jumps down and runs over to the pool table hops up grabs the cue ball, looks at it and shoves it in his mouth swallowing it whole.

The bartender can’t contain himself and say’s, “Geez did you see what he just ate?”
The guy says, don’t worry about it. I’m done drinking anyway give me my bill and we’ll get outta here.” The guy pays his tab and leaves.

A week later the same guy with the monkey come back into the bar. The guy sits down orders a beer and the monkey jumps onto the bar and heads to the drink station, grabs a cherry and shoves it up his butt.

“Holy crap!! Did you see what your monkey just did??” exclaims the bartender.

The guy looks at him and says, “ Yeah ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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Two audio nuts were arguing over what amp is better and if one can really hear the differences between speaker wire,...oh never mind y'all all have read this one !

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Two audio nuts were arguing over what amp is better and if one can really hear the differences between speaker wire,...oh never mind y'all all have read this one !

Without question, the worst jokes I ever heard. Sooooo, I will contribute........

EDIT: Had to pull that one........[N]

tc

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  • 2 weeks later...
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California

scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'


One week later, The"Newport Daily Independent" , a local newspaper in Arkansas reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Jacksonport in Jackson County Bubba
Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless.'

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and
the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it...
Don't worry Mom. I'm 16 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit
so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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