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**** for a Duck

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck., "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...
" "Sure," she said., "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"as you want. No strings attached...

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GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' 

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

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LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN…


The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It IS dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. 

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer. 

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. 

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. 

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. 

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! 

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer. 

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. 

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. 

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

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The Face Lift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I! am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY
how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am ! I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise! I won't " she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank. 

Hostage answers "yes."

Robber shoots him dead.

The robber asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob the bank.

The second hostage answers "no, but my wife did."

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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow, look at that! It barely missed the highway!"

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a 
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of 
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of 
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives 
of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

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Rick was in trouble. 
He forgot his wedding anniversary. 
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to 
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less than
6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for
work. 
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and
sure enough there was 
a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to
the driveway, and 
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him
 
 
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A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

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Sleeping in Church
Date of Joke:Wednesday, 10th January, 2001
 

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who created the Universe?" The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, "My God!"

The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who died on the cross for you?" She pokes her husband and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"

The third time, the Preacher asks, " And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!"

http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke2.cgi?id=20010110

 

 

 

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The Salesman...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be Confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in High-powered vacuum cleaners." 

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't Got any money, I'm broke!"

As she proceeded to close the door, the young Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too Hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway Carpet. 

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse Manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The Old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good Appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?

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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. 
It happened again the next week. 

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. 
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." 

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? " "He is a veterinarian," she answered. The pastor said. "Where does he practice?" 











The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

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The Welfare Office....

At the Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chau ffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! 

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. 

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.' 

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, …

'Hi, Keith!'

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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work..."
 
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