Jokes?

[JL Sargent]

There's been a disturbance in the force.

[teaman]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[TasDom]

A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said. The man asked, "Why?" The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

[dtel]

Me.......trying to dance or sing

[Mighty Favog]

On the other hand.....there was a wart.

[Mighty Favog]

Bought some used paint. It's in the shape of a house.

[Mighty Favog]

I had a joke I remember from some 35-years ago but after I tried to type it our from memory, it had so many FCC non-compliant words in it, I just gave up.....

[RRR]

Got a new pair of shoes from my drug dealer today, don't know what he laced them with but I'm still pretty high.

[derrickdj1]

The other day I was at the ATM.  An old woman ask me to check her balance....  So, I pushed her.

 

What's the most popular dance on the 4th of July?  Indepen-dance, lol,  Goonie google.

Edited July 3, 2016 by derrickdj1

[MORE KLIPSCH PLEASE]

So I can't spell Armageddon................................it's not the end of the world

 

 

 

 

 

MKP :-)

[derrickdj1]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
 

[Woofers and Tweeters]

 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

[Woofers and Tweeters]

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

[Woofers and Tweeters]

 I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lites than Kay.

[Woofers and Tweeters]

Is Sex Work?

A US Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

With Chelsea's wedding on July 31st...


Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom


She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

[Islander]

A 75-year-old rancher marries a 20-year-old woman.

 

About six months later he runs into a friend at the general store.

 

His friend asks, "How's it going with the young wife?", to which the rancher replies, "It's terrible!"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I can't keep my hands off her!"

 

"So what are you going to do?"

 

"I'm going to fire the whole bunch of them!"

[DizRotus]

A woman left her cat, Fluffy, with her sister while on vacation. A few days into the vacation she called her sister and asked, "How's Fluffy?" " Fluffy's DEAD," replied her sister abruptly. The woman dropped the phone and slumped to the ground in shock.

The next day she called her sister and chastised her for being so insensitive in her manner of delivering the shocking news of Fluffy's sudden demise. Her sister, stung by the rebuke, asked how she should have broken the bad news. The woman said, when first asked about Fluffy she should have said, "She's up on the roof, but we'll get her down." The next time I called about Fluffy you could say, "It was more difficult getting Fluffy down than anticipated, there was a slight mishap, but she seems OK." The next day you could say just to be safe you took Fluffy to the vet, who said Fluffy will recover. When I call again you would sadly express that Fluffy took a turn for the worst and despite the vet's valiant efforts, Fluffy is now in a better place.

The sister apologized for her cold reply and demonstrated sincere remorse. The woman consoled her sister before asking, "How's Dad?" After a long period of silence, the sister haltingly said, "He's up on the roof."

[MyOwn]

This may not be the place for this....This is some funny chit man....This is not meant to offend anyone, He is flippin Funny

 

 

[dtel]

A hog farmer was out by his hogs with his son as he talked with a customer wanting to buy a hog. The customer picked out the size he wanted and the farmer said he would have to weigh it to know how much it cost. The farmer picked up the hog and bent over a little putting the hogs tail in his mouth then put the hog down saying he's about 60 pounds.

The man was shocked because he had never seen anything like that before and told the farmer that was amazing. The farmer said he was pretty good at it after after all the years of dealing with hogs BUT his was was even better than him, he said she can get within a few ounces. The shocked customer said, I would like to see that, so the farmer told his son, go inside and get your mother and ask her to come out for a  minute.  The boy ran to the house and when he came back out he said " mom can't right now, I think she's weighing the mailman" !