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A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I've noticed that you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes," she replies. "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable," the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, 'What's on TV?'


I said, 'Dust.'


And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... 

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...So I did.


Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. ' 'And here I am.' 

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obama presidential post stamps recalled!!!
it seems the stamps were not adhering to the envelopes. initial inspection revealed the adhesive to be adequate. further examination revealed that people were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

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"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. 

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"

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The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. 

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

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Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big red mark on his forehead.
 

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here; you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours."
 

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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary..


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
 

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Farmer Bill advertises a mule for sale for $200. Farmer Jim from a neighboring county stops by for a look, likes what he sees and agrees to take him home the next day. When Farmer Jim shows up to take his new mule home, Farmer Bill breaks the bad news:
"Your new mule died last night. Here's your money back, it wouldn't be fair for me to keep it."
Jim replies: "That's okay, keep it. I'll take him home and sell him."
"Who'd want to buy a dead mule?"
"You'd be surprised."

A couple of weeks go buy, and Farmer Bill bumps into Farmer Jim at the county fair.
Bill says: "What ever happened to that mule I sold you?"
"I had a raffle, sold 100 tickets at $3 each."
"Didn't anyone get upset that the mule was dead?"
"Just the winner."
"What did you do?"
"Gave him his $3 back."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

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1 minute ago, jweber said:

How did you do that?

 

 

Oh. Simple. I like most anyone from time to time...

 

Keep the jokes coming, please.

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1 minute ago, mungkiman said:

 

Oh. Simple. I like most anyone from time to time...

 

Keep the jokes coming, please.

I am trying. I have to cull a lot of them to keep you all from groaning B)

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A judge calls the opposing lawyers into his chambers, and says "The reason we're here is that both of you have given me a bribe." Both lawyers squirm in their seats. "You, Alan, have given me $15,000. Ed, you gave me $10,000.

The judge hands Alan a check for $5,000 and says, "Now you're even, and I'm going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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