sputnik Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Received yesterday. Some of these were new to me. 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was... Always. 2. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt. 3. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 4. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" 5. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. 6. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower." 7. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. 8. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 9. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 10. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 11. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 12. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. 13. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 14 If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 15. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." 16. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,"I don't know yet son, I'm still paying". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndyKlipschFan Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 LOL.. Loved it.. Needed a good laugh today, thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3dzapper Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 sputnik, I emailed a copy of your post to your wife. Rick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.4knee Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I e-mailed a copy to my wife should be intersting when she reads it. Maybe I should send it to my mother-in-law as well?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazytubepower Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 My dad is seeing this one...he'll laught his arse off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st. patrick Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 ---------------- On 7/20/2005 11:57:20 AM 3dzapper wrote: sputnik, I emailed a copy of your post to your wife. Rick ---------------- . . . . and since when do little lambs read??? Sput, just kidding ya. We know that it's duke that makes the little critters nervous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik Posted July 20, 2005 Author Share Posted July 20, 2005 ---------------- On 7/20/2005 8:08:13 PM st. patrick wrote: ---------------- On 7/20/2005 11:57:20 AM 3dzapper wrote: sputnik, I emailed a copy of your post to your wife. Rick ---------------- . . . . and since when do little lambs read??? Sput, just kidding ya. We know that it's duke that makes the little critters nervous. ---------------- Yeeouch! I've been 3dzapped! My wife is little but she's also scrappy. I don't excatly know how tall she is but I do know that her fist comes up as high as my nose. St. Pat, It's too quiet out there. Ol' Dookie (aka BSA) seems to be laying low after the name change. He might be up to something or maybe they're just cleaning his cage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djk Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 I recognize most of that as Red Skelton. Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage: (Just visualizing Red delivering this humor makes me smile. Humor without profanity... ...WHAT A CONCEPT!) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!" A few more: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and elect ric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake." She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyT Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3dzapper Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Henny Youngman was another jewel. "Take my wife, please!" is one of his classics Rick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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