maxg Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I read this whilst in the office and had to bite my hand off to stop laughing out loud. Hopefully you'll all enjoy it as much... from the site http://john.kessel.tripod.com Mars & Venus Write A Paper Together RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted) First, the Assignment: English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday, today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary: ------------------------------------------------------------ At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------- He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------------------- Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! ! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" ---------------------------------------------------------- This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------- Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. ---------------------------------------------------------- *******. ---------------------------------------------------------- *****. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 RIMCAWTNTLOL! (Rolling In My Chair At Work While Trying Not To Laugh Out Loud!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edster00 Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 HILARIOUS!! Thanks Max, that made my day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No Disc Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Max The wife and I really enjoyed that, thanks for posting! tb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheltie dave Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Daaaaaaaaaaaaammmmbrouie, but that is classic. A real life Calvin and Hobbes. Reminds me of audio critics who disagree... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShapeShifter Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Max, that was very entertaining. Did leave me wondering though; what grade did the pair receive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheltie dave Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Anything that can make you laugh out loud, shake your head, violently disagree, and present diametrically opposite views of the world on two sheets of paper aces the assignment! A's for both Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timmikid Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Calvin and Hobbes indeed: "The fearless spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at speeds never before imagined! He discovers galaxies and planets never before charted! He courageously lands on alien worlds never before explored... " LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxg Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 Well I am glad others enjoyed it - I was beginning to wonder - it was a slow uptake though.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hwatkins Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 hmmmm.... Like Dave said - I found myself understanding the story. Reminded me very much of a PP vs. SET conversation, just bunches more entertaining... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brap Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Henry -- you took the words out of my mouth regarding SET VS PP. I was just thinking about mobile homeless and paulparrot!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndyKlipschFan Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Maybe we need to start our own story..???? I tried to stop them. My frind from college and his wife dragged me to the local outlet store to see these little cube things that excited him for music and in his home theater. Now I didn't want to be a jerk, nor did I want him to do something stupid like spend thousands on a system he would surely tire of after he got it home. I knew I was in trouble when his wife said, "I like the little cubbie thingies." Besides they are so small and will be out of the way too. (Funny in every demo I have ever seen or heard the wires are fixed into the walls and what looks like a 3 inch cube in the middle of the wall and a basket on the floor in the corner? Now they had these mock ups of great big speakers against the wall...Surely they were not going to demo those against the cubes..I knew this would be no contest for sure!! Your turn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssh Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Max, Thanks for sharing that. My 10th grade English classes started group projects for Julius Caesar_ yesterday, & the group changes were like loud musical chairs. Several became a group of one. SSH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.