OT: Cute E-mail I got today

[cluless]

Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean

switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the

way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All

other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw

print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do

I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,

because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your

inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a

ball. So it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,

stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by

some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't

help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge

and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the

bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a

sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on

my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and

whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle

of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that

you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a

signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most

disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick

yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you both I have posted the following message on our front

door:

Rules for Non-pet-owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the

furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is

short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier

to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive

your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry

about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a

gazillion dollars for college. And, if they get pregnant, you can sell

the results.

[tpg]

LOL! That is great.

I wish our cat could read... might help matters just a tad.

[Daddy Dee]

Thanks Clueless. Great post!

[Scp53]

LOL...

[Cal Blacksmith]

Thats good! In our house, though we try, there is dog fur everywhere. (he sheds a little every day and twice a year there is a blizzard of fur for about 5 weeks)

Though our dog is nearly 3 feet tall at the shoulders and weighs over 100# he thinks he is a lap dog and will gladly put his front paws on your shoulders and stand on the floor while you are seated.

[jt1stcav]

"Rules for Non-pet-owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:"

That's the best! I need to make a copy of it, blow it up twice its size, and staple it to the front door of my place!

Our cats rule!

[3dzapper]

Kewl Clu!

Rick

[davmar]

Hah..that's great.

I disagree with numbe 6 however, feline attendance IS

necessary, and wanted in the bathroom

[cluless]

----------------

On 8/2/2004 10:42:08 PM davmar wrote:

Hah..that's great.

I disagree with numbe 6 however, feline attendance IS

necessary, and wanted in the bathroom

----------------

What? Did you potty train your cat or something? I considered it, but decided I didn't want to have to wait in line. On the other hand, if it's an audience thing, we really don't want to know.

[Mighty Favog]

One of our cats lays on my feet in the bathroom to keep my tootsies warm.

[Bartdude]

I saw this one today:

Subject: How to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo

to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the

bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close

both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the

noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a

"power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that

there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift

both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the

bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

[arthurs]

Clu - thanks for the post. I read this to our cat last night and ...... nothing. she just stared at me with that same "humans are such idiots" look she always gives me....come to think of it, my wife gives me that look too.....