I need your "CLEAN" jokes

[fanbrain]

Here's one.

"What's the difference between a duck?"

There is no punchline. That's the beauty of it.

[ColonialHoo]

Here's one my kids love.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Disclaimer for the tree huggers: No animals were harmed in the telling of this joke.

[Lostinozz]

This was just sent to me. I hope it doesn't offend some of you golden EAR audiophiles.

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby Russ was born
without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny' s
family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he
so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be $+it-outta-luck if he
needed glasses."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

[Bill Cain]

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

[theryugobuddy]

I loved all of the old urban insult jokes like:

Your mama is so fat that she irons her dress on the driveway--

--one of the very few clean ones--

[Anabolic]

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

[Bill Cain]

How do you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

Look for the M&M shells on the floor.

[colterphoto1]

Is it shorter to Chicago or by bus?

[colterphoto1]

Do you carry your lunch or drive to work?

[Lostinozz]

What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind as it hits your windshield?

Its butt !

[Bill Cain]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth. []

[artto]

There were these two Irish guys who were about to leave the Pub.

....

................

...............................

...........................................................

Well, it could happen you know.

[colterphoto1]

I suppose you could swap out the one 'unclean' word

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the

fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the

porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat

went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say '****!', the dog

ate him!"

[m00n]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty- two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was
in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight toward my
car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."

And the moral of this story is . . .
























Always keep your condoms in your car!