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Sven and Ollie were walking down the road along the side of a North Dakota wheat field when they both noticed two men sitting in a boat and holding fishing poles out in the middle of the dry field.

So, Ollie says to Sven: "Hey der Sven, dont yoo tink dat vee shood go oud der ana tell dem two dumma guys in da vwheet feeld dat dey ainta gonna catch no feesh."

Then Sven says to Ollie: " Ya shooor, I'da like to Ollie but vee ainta gotta boat."

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Two guys walk into a bar, pull up a stool and order a beer. A few minutes later the bartender returns with a gorilla, looks at the two guys and says 'watch this'. The bartender rares back and just slaps the heck out of the gorilla. The gorilla jerks down the bartenders pants and gives him a BJ.

The bartender looks at one of the two guys and asks him if he would like to give it a try. The guy says... well, I guess so. Just don't slap me so hard.


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WARNING: A political joke making fun of Bush...nothing personal just sorta in-line w/ how he's often portrayed.

At the weekly cabinet meeting Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld is giving his update reports and tells the group that last week 3 Brazillian peace keepers got killed in Iraq. The President audibly gasps, drops his jaw and begins to tear up. Bush immediately stands up, turns his back on the group and is heaving big sobs...then leaves the room. Cheney rolls his eyes and tells the others to wait while he finds out what's up with the President. He goes to where Bush is, wraps big consolling arms about the very distraught President and asks what the problem might be and if he can help. Bush looks up with a tearful face and asks Cheney...."How many are in a brazillion anyway??"

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Giving 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.


1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top

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An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders four drinks. He mumbles a bit before drinking each one, then leaves. This happens every night until the bartender asks him about this ritual. The Irishman replies that the first drink is for his his blessed mother back in Ireland, the second is for his blessed father back in Ireland, the third is for his noble brother fighting in the war, and the last drink is his own - its a way of remembering his family togather for a few brief moments of reflection.

One night the Irishman comes in and only orders three drinks. The bartender is concerned that some sort of tragedy has occurred in the family. He asks, how is your mother? OK. Is your father doing alright? Yes. Then what of your brother, is he still with us? Of course, he is fine. Well then, the bartender asks, why only three drinks tonight?

The Irishman says, I just have been to the doctor and he has advised me to stop drinking.

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History lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez , the son

of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher
said, "Let's begin
by reviewing some American history." Who said 'Give me Liberty , or
give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry,

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by

the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new
to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and
asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill
Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, You little shit, If you
say anything
else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, as someone threw an eraser at Pedro, someone else shouted "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip

through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she

seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes

from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is

coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"The President," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, The President spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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Once, an archaeologist uncovered an old lamp. Happy with his find, he went to the local bar to celebrate with a few drinks. As he's sitting there with the lamp and has had a few drinks, he thinks to himself, "What if I rubbed the lamp?" So, he does, and "Poof![li]," out comes a genie.

The genie says "Sim sala bim! I've been locked inside for 2000 years. For releasing me, you get 3 wishes, but speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing."

The archaeologist says "I want a million bucks!" Genie says "Wish granted!" A few seconds later, the biggest flock of ducks flies overhead. The archaeologist and all the patrons are disappointed.

For his second wish, the archaeologist says a little louder, "I want to fly." Genie says "Wish granted," and in front of the archaeologist appears an apple pie. Having burned 2 of his 3 wishes, there is a bit of a roar among the crowd gathered at the bar.

With the noise level high, the archaeologist has to shout into the genie's ear, but the crowd can't make out what he said. A few seconds later, a box appears on the counter. The archaeologist opens it and pulls out a 10" tall figurine of Billy Joel.

Utterly despondent over burning his 3rd and final wish, the archaelogist screams "Genie, you idiot! I didn't ask for a 10" pianist!" [:D]

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