I need your "CLEAN" jokes

[pmsummer]

Three engineers are discussing the possibility of Intelligent Design

Theory with God as the engineer of all creation, but they can't come to

any agreement.

Finally, the Mechanical Engineer says, "Well, one thing's for sure. God

is clearly a Mechanical Engineer. Just look at the marvel of the human

hand!"

"Not so fast," says the Electrical Engineer. "Look at the central nervous system. God obviously is an EE."

"You're both wrong," says the Civil Engineer. "God is a Civil Engineer.

Who else would place the primary recreation area right next to the main

sewer outlet?"

[DRBILL]

An English chap asks a German lady, "Didn't I see you on Derby Day?" She slapped his face.

-----

A Cajun fellow goes into a high class place for a haircut. The manicurist begins to work on his hands. She asks him, "Do you want me to push your cuticle back?" He replys, "No madam. I get up and walk around and he goes back by himself!"

___

A Texan lands in Paris and goes to the restroom. The French guy at the next urinal is watching him intently. The Texan says "Say, Bo." The Frenchman replies " O, oui! C'es magnifique!"

-----

I'm terribly sorry!

-----

DRBILL

[www.records]

Sven and Ole are imigrating to America and are passing thru Ellis Island. Sven, he go first, to talk with the imigrations officer. The government guys says 'why are you coming to America?'.. Sven says 'I'm yust looking for a yob'. The imigration guys asks what kind of a job he had in the old country, and Sven says he was a diesel fitter. So the gov guy calls John Deer, Caterpiller, etc and finds him a job. Next is Ole. Ole says he also comes to America for a yob. The gov guy asks again, 'what kind of job did you have in Norway?'.. Ole said he worked in the pantyhose factory. So the imigration officer called Haynes, Leggs, and a few other pantyhose mfgrs, but couldn't find any jobs, so he tells Ole he's going to have to go back to Norway. Ole says 'now yust a minute here... you find Sven a yob, and I work right next to him in the old country!'..

now the imigration guy is confused, so he calls Sven over and asks just what they did.. Sven says 'well, first Ole sews the waistband on the pantyhose, then I hold 'em up and stretch 'em open and say 'Ya; dees'll fit 'er..'

[www.records]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the
bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgie
birds in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pickup and drive to the top of some
big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way
to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie
jumping is too dangerous for me."

[www.records]

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet
shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag
in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Knute continues to plummet! down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never
trying dat parrotshooting either."

[www.records]

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of
which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his
head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Lars hengliding....

[Woodog]

Sorry to bring this thread back from the dead, but I read this today and had a chuckle.

Woo

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. 

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from 

listening to you that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you

be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street

did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary

Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,

what year did you graduate ?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I

can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar

tonight. Can you believe it -- I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my

own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and

mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Kelly twins are drunk again!"

[Tom Adams]

Crowds panic as Ireland is threatened by flood waters........

[Colin]

hot off the net (today):

"<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

------------------------------------

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

[]

[Tom Adams]

Three little piggies go to a restaurant. The waiter comes to their table and takes their drink order.

The first little piggie says he'll have a sprite. The second little piggie asks for a Coke. The third little piggie says, "Gimme beer - lots & lots of beer!"

The waiter returns with their drinks and to take their food order.

The first piggie orders a big juicy steak. The second piggie orders soup & salad. The third piggie says, "Bring me beer - lots & lots of beer!"

Later on the waiter comes to the little piggies asking if they want desert and sure enough the first two order something sweet and the third says, "More beer - I want more beer!!"

Curiosity overcomes the waiter and he asks the third little piggie why on earth, all night long, all he's wanted to do was to drink beer? And the little piggie says..............

Well someone has to go wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home!

Tom

[Colin]

Man lies dying on his death bed, his loyal wife by his side.

Honey, he says, I just have to tell you the truth, before I go. I slept with your sister.

Woman says, shh, just rest dear, and let the poison do its work. []

[joshnich]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a

bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he

yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna

hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice,

the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is

just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional

boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional

wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black

belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell

that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:

"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Colin]

How come I wear glasses<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I was having this great time once in a bar, drinking and telling jokes. We were getting kinda loud.

Listen, I said, I know this great Polish joke.

Whereupon, this huge mountain of a man stands up in the back of the bar.

Hey, he says, Im Polish.

Thats OK, I said, Ill tell it slow.

[:'(]

[oscarsear]

No joke to add. Just posting so that I can save this thread under my listings for future reference. Good stuff here.[]

[Curmudgeon]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you
call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Long Legs",
her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?", the little
girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long Legs".
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat
and said: "Well, it might be OK in
California
or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that crap here in
Texas."

[sputnik]

Man lies dying on his death bed, his loyal wife by his side.

Honey, he says, I just have to tell you the truth, before I go. I slept with your sister.

Woman says, shh, just rest dear, and let the poison do its work. []

Pastor Olufsen: Lena, I'm preparing the eulogy for the funeral service for your dear husband Ollie. Did he have any last requests?

Lena: Yes he did Pastor. He asked me to put down the gun.

[sputnik]

How can you tell if a North Dakotan has been using your computer?

By all the eraser marks on the screen.

[sputnik]

What is the official state tree of North Dakota?

The telephone pole.

[sputnik]

Did you hear about the North Dakotans touring Montana on bicycles?

They didn't get past the first highway chain removal area.

[Fish]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To show a Opossum it could be done.