for Fini

[HarryO]

Last week I signed up both of my GFs for a couple of classes to cure some of their summer boredom and help our relationships

Summer Classes for Women

at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, June 1, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY

AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS,

CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer -

How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs

beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Gr aphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate

and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials

and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without

14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes

Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations...
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes

Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--

Remembering To Take a List To The Store,

Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[Daddy Dee]

A smart Bubba

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba.

[gnatnoop]

After dinner one night, two elderly couples stop by one of their houses for conversation. The women stop in the kitchen while the men head into the living room. The first old man says, that sure was a good restaurant. The second man says, "Yes it was, but the wife and I found an even better place last week". "Really, what restaurant?", says the first old man.

"Well, crap...i can't remember...uh...dang...uh...you know that flower, it's sometime white or pink?" "You mean a carnation", replies the first man.

"No, no..it's a common flower i guess mostly red, you give it on special occasions". "You mean a rose?", said the first man.

YES, THAT'S IT! says the first man and continues "ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST WEEK?"

[HarryO]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos ". "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[HarryO]

The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping

One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still

Didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,

She had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,

They're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough,

They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than

It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time

On the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she

Struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little

Feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she

Mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle

The boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where

are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[HarryO]

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to Arkansas, fromOhio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in Arkansas, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Arkansas to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

[HarryO]

Leave it to a Blonde to fix everything........................

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College ( Newburgh , IN and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from Belmont University ( Nashville , TN ) and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." Again, the switch is thrown, but, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee (Knoxville, TN) and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[HarryO]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep

the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10 (in for a reality check)

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.

God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're

stuck with.

- - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at

the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know

each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets

them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with

that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone

to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Rick y, age 10(this deserves a MEDAL)

[HarryO]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

[HarryO]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He ! replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

[HarryO]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

I Must remember this the next time I go play golf !

[st. patrick]

"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
--

[greg928gts]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim
accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he
bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed
Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress!

Jim stayed cool and hoped none one would notice as he
emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked,

'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that well,
indeed he did.

She said,

'You can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
and moral implications of this offer, Jim confirmed
his "interest". Sue told him that since her husband
Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim
should show up at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's
house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction. Jim quickly dressed and
left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. He asked
his wife:

'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered,

'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this
afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked,

'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied,

'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his
wife by saying,

'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500
from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[dtel]

Learn ta Speak Redneck

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is
gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the
University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."

Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichaways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

Fur: Measure of distance. "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."

Fur: Because of or to indicate possession. "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but
not necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

[HarryO]

Subject: The Candy with the Little
Holes
A Teacher
gave her class several lifesavers. The
children began to identify the flavors by their
color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all
HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're arss-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[dtel]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts...

[HarryO]

AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine..
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car..
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles..
27. Release Parking Brake.

[HarryO]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

[dtel]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment, 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded. 'This may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's' house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

[dtel]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'