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Daddy Dee
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YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF....

1.... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2.... You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.... You have more wives than teeth.

4.... You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN".

5.... You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6.... You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7.... You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8.... You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9.... You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
>
10.... You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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  • 1 month later...
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Things Men need.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

PS: Confirmed by Bill Clinton

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And in the "only in Florida" category.....

A True Story from the Jacksonville Police Dept.


A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day..

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

Told by the driver at his first AA meeting......

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The Haircut !!!


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

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Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks, Billy

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and back to Florida....

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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Bubba attends a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?” Bubba says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Bubbas ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Bubba how’s your hearing now?” Bubba says......

“I don’t know Reverend, it’s not until next Monday".

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Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts....
"To hell with your canoes, I hope they sink!"
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and on that note....

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty.
Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny.
After a while the son pointed out a very, very attractive woman. ”Sure son!!!!" the father replied, drooling......
“We’ll take her home and eat you mother!"......
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What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************

At 8


You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************

At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 28

You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************

At 68


If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************

At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

***********************************************************************************

According to the Office for National Statistics

190,374 People are having sex right now

212,130 Are kissing

And one poor sucker is reading this post.

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One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven.

God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

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A Mexican
> > woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
> > which country had the toughest trees. The
> > Mexican woodpecker
> > claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could
> > peck.
> >
> >
> >
> > The
> > Canadian woodpecker
> > accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the
> > tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was
> > amazed.
> >
> >
> > The
> > Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker
> > to peck a tree in Canada that was
> > absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by
> > woodpeckers ). The
> > Mexican woodpecker
> > expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
> > challenge.
> >
> > The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
> > successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree
> > almost without breaking a sweat.
> >
> > Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that
> > the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,
> > and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian
> > tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own
> > country?
> >
> > After
> > much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
> > conclusion: Apparently, Tiger
> > Woods was right,
> > when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away
> > from home.
> >

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The Power of a Badge . .....

download?mid=1_380043_AGPJjkQAAAM%2FS2B6

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

download?mid=1_380043_AGPJjkQAAAM%2FS2B6

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge.... Show him your BADGE!"

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