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Daddy Dee
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching ourselves. No point in you coming in for that."

[H]

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[H]

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  • Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

    "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

    The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

    "I sure do."

    "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

    "That's real good!" said the redneck.

    The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

    Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

    "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

    "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

    The redneck was catching on.

    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

    "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

    The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

    "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

    "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

    "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

    "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

    "No," his friend replied.

    "You ain't queer or nothin', are ya?"

[:P]

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Some of the worst (best....) [H] just for Fini!!!

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist.
You've certainly got the head for it.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!

Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.

What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!

Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.

Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!

Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!

What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee

When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.

Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America

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You Know You're From New Orleans When ...

Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside

You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads

Your baby's first words are "gumbo" and "whereyat"

When you give directions you use "lakeside? and riverside?" not north & south

Your ancestors are buried above the ground.

You get on a green trolley car to go to the park and a red one to the French Quarter

You listen to holiday songs such as "The 12 yats of Christmas" and "Santa and his reindeer used to live next door"

You walk on the "banquet" (sidewalk) and stand in the "neutral ground" (area of ground between a two sided street) "by ya mommas" (by your mother's house).

Someone asks for directions and you stop and help them with a smile

You start an angel food cake with a roux.

Watching " Wild Kingdom " inspires you to write a cookbook.

You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils

You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.

You think boudin, hogshead cheese, and a Bud is a bland diet.
pronounced (boo daa) Cajun sausage

You think Ground Hog Day and the Boucherie Festival are the same holiday.

You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .

Fred's Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.

You have an *envie* for something instead of a craving.

You use a "#3" washtub to cover your lawn mower or your outboard motor.

You use two or more pirogues to cover your tomatoes to protect them from the late frost.

You use a gill net to play tennis, badminton, or volleyball.

The horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than that of your car motor.

You pass up a trip abroad to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge .

The four basic food groups are boiled seafood, broiled seafood, fried seafood and beer

You are asked to name the holy trinity and your reply is "onions, celery, bell pepper."

You let your black coffee cool, and find that it has gelled.

You describe a link of boudin and cracklins as "breakfast."

Every once in a while, you have waterfront property.

Your mama announces each morning, "Well, I've got the rice cooking ... what will we have for supper?"

We have four seasons too, shrimp, crab, crawfish and oyster.

None of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi River Bridge ( US 190).

You refer to Louisiana winters as "Gumbo Weather."

You get a disappointing look from your wife and describe it as, "She passed me a pair of eyes."

You think of gravy as a beverage.

You greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette Regional Airport with "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, "Don't eat the dead ones," and you know what he means.
Don't forget to suck the head and pinch the tail!!

You learned Bourre (card game) the hard way: Holding yourself upright in your crib.

You don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.

You give up Tabasco for Lent

You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws.

You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.

You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You like your rice and your politics dirty.

No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food.

Your loved one dies and you book a jazz band before you call the coroner.

Your accent sounds nothing like Harry Connick, Jr's.

You can sing these jingles by heart: "Rosenberg's, Rosenberg's, 1825 Tulane;" "At the beach, at the beach, the Pontchartrain Beach ..."

You ask, "How dey running?" and "Are dey fat?" but, you're inquiring about seafood quality and not the Crescent City Classic.

When a hurricane is imminent, you have a lot more faith in Nash Roberts than some Super Doppler 6000.

Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart.

Nothing shocks you. Period. Ever.

Being in a jam at Tulane and Broad isn't the same as being stuck in traffic.

Your idea of health food is a baked potato instead of fries with your seafood platter.

You have to take your coffee and favorite coffeemaker with you on a three-day trip.

You have snowball stains on your shoes.

You call tomato sauce "red gravy."

Your middle name is your mother's maiden name, or your father's mother's maiden name, or your mother's
mother's maiden name, or your grandmother's mother's maiden name, or your grandfather's mother's maiden name.

On certain spring days, Crawfish Monica is your breakfast.

Your house payment is less than your utility bill.

You've done your laundry in a bar.

You don't show your "pretties" during Mardi Gras.

You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.

You "boo" the mayor on national television.

You wear sweaters in because it ought to be cold.

Your grandparents are called "Maw-Maw" and "Paw-Paw."

Your Santa Claus rides an alligator or is an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.

You suck heads, eat tail, sing the blues and you actually know where you got them shoes.

You shake out your shoes before putting them on.

You don't think it inappropriate to refer to a large adult male as "Lil Bubba."

You know why you should never, ever swim by the Lake Pontchartrain steps (for more than one reason).

You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a "New Orleans based" movie or TV show.

You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.

You waste more time navigating back streets than you would if you just sat in traffic.

You still call the Fairmont Hotel, the Roosevelt .

You consider garbage cans a legal step to protecting your parking space on a public street.

You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.

Your one-martini lunch becomes a five-bloody Mary afternoon ... and you keep your job.

You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Orleans .


LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives…

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work... You try that.'




Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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Only a woman thinks this way....
Written by a woman of course...

Giving up wine...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to seewhat a woman looks

like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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