for Fini

[HarryO]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~

Coastal Alabama

~~~~

Coastal Mississippi

~~~~

Coastal Texas

~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~

And
~~~

Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

[dtel]

Next time you
have a bad day at work, think of this guy:

Rob is a commercial saturation
diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is
an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2FM in
Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your
bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know
you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So
what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the
air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started
to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a
few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my
back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was
not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the
dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to
make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So,
next time you're having a bad
day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a
jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I
love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask
yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

[gnatnoop]

i've thought about posting this link several times and may in fact have already posted it, if i have, i apologize in advance.

This is the "Funny Pic/Gif" thread on the AZbilliards forum,

http://forums.azbilliards.com/showthread.php?t=93024

[BigStewMan]

Question: Do you know why a woman's work is never done?

Answer: Because they don't get up early enough

[dtel]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Redneck passed away and left his entire

Estate to his beloved widow . .

But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

" I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .......

"Go ahead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

Drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who invented the toothbrush?

A Redneck!!

(If it had been invented by anyone else,

It would have been a teeth brush)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new Redneck law was just recently passed

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?

'Yep... Prit'near took out the whole trailer park..

The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . ... . Up in flames

And the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

And says to the driver, 'Got any I..D. ? ' . .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[BigStewMan]

$3 a year for a million years..that's a pretty sweet deal.

[gnatnoop]

One day, a long long time ago there was a woman that didn't b itch, moan or complain.

But, it was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

[dtel]

One day, a long long time ago there was a woman that didn't b itch, moan or complain.

But, it was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

[*][*][*] That's funny.

[dtel]

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of all her piercings’, tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will
be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy
can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m
sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School report that’s
on the kitchen table.

[Groomlakearea51]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

What is a zebra?

......26 sizes larger than an "A" bra

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails? A dog with spare parts.....

....and

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull!!!

[H]

[Groomlakearea51]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

[H]

[BigStewMan]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesnt measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700.

The official, incredulous, says, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?

The Chicago contractor whispers back, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

Done! replies the government official.

sadly, i fear there is some truth to that joke.

[HarryO]

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says 'sure' and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.'

The guy says,' Yeah, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.'

[BigStewMan]

i know a guy who's wife is so ugly that he never leaves her side...so he won't ever have to kiss her goodbye.

[Taz]

Daddy shark and Baby shark came on a capsized ship. Daddy shark said we'll circle them with just the tips of our fins out fo the water. After a while daddy shark said now we'll circle with our fins half way out of the water. Then he said we'll circle with our fins all the way out of the water. After a while, Daddy shark says now we'll eat them. Baby shark said, why didn't we just eat them in the first place? To which Daddy shark replied, They taste better if you scare the $h!t out of em 1st. [^o)]

[dtel]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front

Of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his

Overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from

His body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an

Obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom

D'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to

A tractor."

[gnatnoop]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said,

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my

clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod,

and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash

Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me

and throw me put of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my

brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[dtel]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

He paid for the corvette I gave you.

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for your season dallas cowboys tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership.

He even pays the monthly dues on the membership.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' the cabby replies, 'I'd cover his #ss with that blanket before he catches cold.'