for Fini

[dtel]

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Mamou, LA. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk.

Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"

Thibodeaux finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux, mah frien', I know it's yo bidness, of course, if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?"

Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux... to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!!"

[dtel]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, what cha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I tell him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in the drink and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! ....... But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[dtel]

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

[gnatnoop]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before

long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading

rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles

down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the

panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims

loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are

any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of

terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That

old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,

figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from

the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a

deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,

squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving

canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his

back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of

running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't

seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German

Shepherd says....

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring

me another panther!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and

treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[dtel]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[dtel]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day

One day, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, you know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck

[dtel]

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her

rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat

named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these

years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life

since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to

mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond

comprehension.'

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you

want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and

full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological

make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes

of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new

life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was

gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect

man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

& held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

[dtel]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

[dtel]

Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

6. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

15. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

17. 10 cards = 1 decacard

18. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

19. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

20. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

21. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

22. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

23. 10 rations = 1 decaration

24. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

25. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

26. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

27. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

[fini]

Man, you were on a roll last night, dtel!! [][Y]

[Timmikid]

Man, you were on a roll last night, dtel!!

I agree...

[dtel]

That's funny, just find them other places and put them here. This should be a good collection after a while.

[BigStewMan]

well, i finally met Ms. Right last night...unfortunately today i found out that her first name is "Always."

[dtel]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

? If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

? If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

EATING OUT

? When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

? When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

? A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

? A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

? A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

? The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

? A woman has the last word in any argument.

? Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

? A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

? A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

? A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

? A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

? A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

? A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

? A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

? A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

? Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

? Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

? Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

? A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

_________________

Where am I going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?

[dtel]

One day a father gets off work and on his way home remembers his daughter's birthday. He pulls into a toy store and asks the sales person, "How much for one of the Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95; Shopping Barbie for $19.95; Beach Barbie for $19.95; Disco Barbie for $19.95; Ballerina Barbie for $19.95; Astronaut Barbie for $19.95; Skater Barbie for $19.95; and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks, "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others are only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's xxlls."

[dtel]

---

No matter how hard you try,

absolutely no one can top this.

The original sin

It is no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk.

_________________

[dtel]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see

if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You

didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to

the Lambeau Field parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee

through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with

my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the

way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays

[dtel]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a

sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you"

[dtel]

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;

she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for

her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When

she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then

she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline

crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[dtel]

A guy is marooned on a desert island for years.

One day he looks out at the ocean and sees a gorgeous blonde in scuba gear walking up out of the water.

He runs up to her and tells her he's been stuck on this island alone for 10

years.

She says "Wow after ten years alone on an island I'm sure you missed a lot.

You're right he says. I really miss a good cigar.

She unzips her wet-suit and pulls out a fine cuban cigar lights it and hands it to him.

He takes a few puffs.

She asks "Is that all you miss after all these years?"

He replies "You what else I miss? I miss a good martini."

She unzips again, pulls out a cocktail shaker and glass. Pours a martini out. Plops an olive in it and gives it to him"

He takes and takes a sip and a big smile come across his face.

She asks him again. "After all these years is that all you miss? Don't you want to play a round?"

He says "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"