fini Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Ben, I've come up with a couple myself: fini's Law of Screwdrivers: If you need a Philips drive, all you can find are flat-blade screwdrivers. And vise-versa. fini's Law of Gasses: If you wander to the most remote part of a store to fart, someone will join you within 15 seconds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 The MonkeyThe guy looks at him and says, “ Yeah ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first.” [Y] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 The LSU football team is still in New Orleans. They can't get out of town and back home. Someone drew a 50 yard line outside their locker room door and they can't cross it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted January 11, 2012 Moderators Share Posted January 11, 2012 Old recycled Saints bags, for the LSU- Alabama game. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away and I am all alone now, and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me, and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ***. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes Baker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 The 50 - 50 - 90 rule: Anytime there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 (from an email ... pictures of popular comic character removed to avoid any copyright or trademark infringement ... PM your email if you want to see with pics) Your Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions Your Yearly Dementia Test It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4. 4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven . Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!! If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! (I got 2 right the first time. I am so screwed) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Crafty kid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Wonder how long it took the customer to realize? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 WINTER BLONDE As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gnatnoop Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" He replies, "For you, no charge!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Rick Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Cowasaki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Rick Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 '' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted February 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 8, 2012 The sheer nightgown A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" .... He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. The coffin will be closed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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