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Daddy Dee

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More from cousin Gwen


A 22 short should do it . . . . . Think not? Read on . . . . . . . . .

Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber
you trust to protect yourself?

The best answer:
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22

Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my

Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is
to use the "Buddy System."

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER
hike alone.

You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if
something happens, there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta.

Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man, was she mad. We must
have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by
just walking at a brisk pace.
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yet more from cousing Gwen...

Daddy Long Legs

· Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.


· A Texas rancher watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

· He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

· Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

· Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

· He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


· He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

· 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

· 'They're mating,' her father replied.

· 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

· A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

· 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

· As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

· 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

· 'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed,

'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Occupy Golf Movement


HEARD! I am a member of golf's lower 99.

I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to the

professional level. I will never put in the practice time to be the best. I

will never have the shots, skills, or mental toughness to "make it"

in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.

However, I am a

part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1%

of golfers for what I do. It isn't fair that those players who have worked

harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and

dedicated should make all that BIG money. Where's my share? I'm a Victim!

The top 1% should

pay for my club memberships and green fees and lessons, buy me new clubs,

balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings. They can afford

it. They are "The Rich." The whole system should be changed to

accommodate people like me. I think we should get together and occupy a golf

course and demand that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who

generally suck. Whining should get us something - maybe we'll make the cover of

Time Magazine, garnish some public sympathy. Hell, during this election year we

may even get a law or two passed by legislators who want our votes.

p.s. Don't mention

this to tennis players. We thought of it first.

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Grandpa and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops..

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite

my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six

thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee

into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere

in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,

so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he

strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major

loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands~~

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me

he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand

dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that

you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

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How about this one?


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no

Three women, from England,
Wales, and Scotland,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so
she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so
she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked

The man broke into a big smile and
said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when
the tide comes in.'

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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few...

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked. "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Then the lights went out...

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Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a s s you grouchy old b itch! "

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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few...
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents, so I asked. "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
Then the lights went out...

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In Jerusalem, a CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."

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A lady threw a party for her granddaughter. She had gone all out with a caterer, a band, and even a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and he would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high into the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I've never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum said, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

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  • 2 weeks later...


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly

after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my

girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants

when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing

the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a

Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP

pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously

you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm

sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet

with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire

episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other

people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons

and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your

wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke

the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while

mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far

more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through

some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to

reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember,

next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Semper Fi

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  • 4 weeks later...
hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my
forwarding it will be worth the effort. (Yep, lifted from an email, from cousin Gwen)
Walk with me by the water, it’s
worth the read...

I forgot the words....
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another fun one from Cousin Gwen... the source of most of my recent posts - I've shared a few from here as well

Gardening With Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets

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