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Daddy Dee
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As the Viking warship stealthily slipped up to the unsuspecting Saxon seaside
village, Brodar the Chieftain, rose and addressed his followers:
"Now men,"
he bellowed, "our plan is to burn the village . . ." "Hooray!!!" roared the
warriors.

"Kill all the men . . . " "Hooray!!!" they shouted again, even
louder.

"And screw all the women, several times!!!" "Hooray for our
glorious leader and his wonderful plan," they shouted.

"And men???" Brodar
said. "Yes, noble Brodar?" they replied in unison.


"Get
it right this time!!!"

[H]

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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another

from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed

the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records

and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry

that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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The government today

announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it

more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows

for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch

of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being

screwed!

Wow, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
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Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.


Reintarnation: Coming back to
life as a hillbilly.


Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.


Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of
time.


Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.


Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.


Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.


Hipatitis: Terminal
coolness.


Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)


Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.


Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


Glibido:
All talk and no action


Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.


Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.


Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.


Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
A-hole.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was..

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

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this isn't a joke; it really happened to me. Big crowd sitting around a huge table eating dinner. People start telling jokes. Of course, i'm not paying attention because i'm trying to think of a joke to tell. Finally, i think of one and when there is a break in the action, i tell it. When i'm done, everyone is just staring at me and nobody is laughing. I said "what?" And my Aunt said, "I just got done telling that one." Even amongst family, i felt pretty stupid.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced

up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would

have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a

conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual

Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your

business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my

personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are

the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually

it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is

the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm

sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

..

..

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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Saw this on a woodworking site i monitor; a bit morbid, but . . . . .

Alaskan humour


Alaska (where life is tough and humor is dark):

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.


"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.


"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.


The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."


The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."


"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "and what's the good news?"


The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."


Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"


The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow

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‎5000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick
up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

When Welfare was introduced, Roosevelt said, "Lay down
your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land."

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses,
raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China
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I was in a public restroom – I was barley setting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:

“Hi, how are you”

Me: Embarrassed, “Doing fine”

Stall: “So what are you up to?”

Me: “Uhh, I’m just like you, just setting here”

Stall: “Can I come over?”

Me: (attitude!) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”

Stall: “Listen, I have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is

going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a

lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as

smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is

giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man

replies, "That would be my wife."

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During a recent audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "mickeyminnieplutohueydeweylouiedonaldgoofysacramento".

When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes, tsked, and replied, "Duh! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capitol!"

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