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Daddy Dee
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

[H]

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Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the ingers? It's 2010. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"...............

.......Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc...........

I couldn't pick 'em up."

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Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."

The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other.....

........."But I picked up three good prospects!"

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President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir."

The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."

The marine says, "Excellent trade, sir."

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As we 'Silver Surfers' know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door (whose bedroom looks like Mission Control) and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an 'ID ten T' error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired,

'An 'ID ten T' error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned....'Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error before?

'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out'.

So I wrote down: ID10T

Did I ever tell you that I severely dislike 'smart-alec' KIDS?
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin." "He beat me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger." "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

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The new maid

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,'Scooby doobie doobies,
I want bigger b00bies!' She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes
and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger b00bies.

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.
Smith's?'
'Yes I am... How did you know?

He winked and whispered, Hickory dickory dock...

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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may
speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today...'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain
since you got here.'
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Baby's First Doctor Visit ...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came
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Numbers of the Beast:

666 is the Number of the BEAST

670 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/666 - Beast Common Denominator

666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast

$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Way of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

666i - BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

- Number of the Blonde Beast uh... what was that number again?

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