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Daddy Dee
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Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a
beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What
should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been
under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and
after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat."
They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it
doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to
mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I
don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think
of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw card advertising for a Gynecologist's assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, and
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

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A city slicker drove out to the country for a duck hunt.When he finally sees a duck he aims carefully and shoots, but the bird falls on the property of a farmer and he doesn’t want to give him the duck.

The city slicker yells „That’s my duck“ standing up for his rights. The Farmer suggests handeling the feud like they do in the Country, with a kick to the nether regions. “Whoever yells the least, gets the Duck.” suggests the Farmer.

The City Slicker says ok, not wanting to be shown up by a Country Bumpkin. The Farmer gets set up and lands a heavy kick right in the family jewels of the City Slicker, who falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes and stays there for 20 minutes without saying a word.

When he is able to stand up again he pants “OK, now it is my turn!!!”

The farmer says “Naw” as he turns around and walks away “you can have the duck.”

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  • 4 weeks later...
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay you'll walk again and everything, but... "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

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  • 1 month later...

A LITTLE OLD LADY GOES TO COURT....

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?


Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.


Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm

spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?


Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?


Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.


Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?


Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:

Why not?


Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died

some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?


Old Lady:

He began to rub all over of my body.


Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?


Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney:

Why not?


Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.

I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?


Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down

and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?


Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"


And that's when I shot him, the little bastald

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  • 2 weeks later...

As told by a woman....

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,

but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner,Batman?"

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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Sput having worked in Canada, Montana, and living in Arkansas......that is so great. ROTFLMAO!

tc

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... Pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little creep on your lap!"

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Four worms and a lesson:

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Thus endeth the sermon.

post-17394-1381958524763_thumb.jpg

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I'll slip this in at the bottom of the page. Definitely Fini worthy.

Why can't we have caption contests for pictures like this???

Ah, I guess it would be hard to pick a wiener.

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A rope walks into a bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer.

Bartender says, sorry we don't serve beer to ropes.

So the rope goes outside, curls itself up and messed up his ends and walks back into the bar and says give me a beer.

I already told you, you can't have a beer, you're a rope.

Nope, I'm afraid not!

<groan>

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One day a Birch tree and a Beech tree were sitting in the forest as they always did side by side. Mr.Birch looked down and noticed a small tree in between him and Mr. Beech.

So he asked Mr. Beech if the tree was a son of a birch or the son of a beech.

Mr. Beech said, "I do not know if that is a son of a birch or a son of a beech. Just then a woodpecker landed on the small tree in between them."

So Mr. Beech asked the woodpecker, "Is the tree you're on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

The woodpecker replied, "Neither, it's the finest piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in!"

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A man was driving one night in the middle of nowhere and his car broke down. He got out and began to walk for help. After awhile, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "My car has broken down, can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the most beautiful, wonderful, sound he had ever heard. It wasn't music really but it was the most heavenly thing he had ever heard.

The next morning, he mentioned it to the the monks. "You're going to think I'm crazy but I'm sure I've heard the most wonderful sound on earth, here, last night".

Yes yes of course said the monks, they were aware of the sound.

"What was that sound?" he asked. "What made it?


The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

As he was getting ready to leave, he tried again. "Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk.

"I can't forget that beautiful sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound."

The head monk just shook his head. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said.

"Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"

The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."

The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky.

He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded. "Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."

The man knew this would be very difficult, but he had to find the source of the exquisite sound. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.

The head monk listened to his answer and nodded. "Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation."

And the man knew this also would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the sound, the sound that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.

He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the sound, faintly at first and then louder and lounder and louder until finally, he stood in front of a door of gold and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the magnificent glorious sound.

I'd tell you what it was but I can't because you're not a monk.

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  • 2 weeks later...

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
POOP?

This reminded me of some of the forum discussions lately.....

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Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
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